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Like the Royal Family, the ANC live on their own planet, utterly oblivious of the needs and the struggles of ordinary people in the street. It is time for both to go, writes Joe Kitchen.
A few years from now, the Royal Family will be no more. They will be remembered as an unfortunate chapter in the history of Britain.
This is my bet. If I lose, I owe all of you a free copy of Harry's book.
The Royal Family is kaput. Goners. Past their expiry date.
Any morning now, British citizens will wake up from their slumbering dreams of teacups and cucumber sandwiches, open their windows to look at the miserable weather outside, and they will say to themselves: "By Golly! Do we really need this bunch of hoity-toity good-for-nothings? Let them get jobs like the rest of us, blimey!"
OK, I admit it wasn’t all that bad when Queen Elizabeth was still alive. Her presence lent some measure of credence to the rest of her good-for-nothing family. Until her death, few people questioned the legitimacy of an institution like the Royal Family.
But with her out of the way, their failures and shortcomings stand exposed for all to see.
All of a sudden, it has become a fact: they have failed the test of relevance. They have become expendable. We are starting to recognise them for what they truly are: nothing but a bunch of wealthy good-for-nothings.
Turn the castles into museums
The time has come for them to pack away their jigsaw puzzles, return their Corgi's to the RSPCA, get off their horses and vacate their luxurious houses. All those castles should be turned into museums.
Henceforth, they can drive Volkswagen Beetles or Unos like the rest of us, bugger those chauffeur-driven black limousines. Let them go shopping for themselves and join the queues in Marks and Spencer like regular people.
What an irony of ironies: it wasn’t necessary for Harry and Meghan to launch their massive attack on the Royals after all. They could have spared themselves (pun intended) all the trouble of talking to Oprah and doing those fifty episodes for TV. It was unnecessary to try and make the Royals look bad; they look bad anyway. They are perfectly capable of destroying their own image without any outside help.
How can anyone take King Charles seriously? He can't even tie his own shoelaces! He needs a butler to put his toothpaste on his toothbrush!
Hell, and are the rumours true about William's affair? And Prince Andrew? Let's not even go there.
What remains of this once glorious tradition, this supposed-to-be sacred clan? Nothing. They are no more.
This brings me to express the following wish: Why can’t the same thing happen to the ANC?
Apart from the fact that the ANC has no money, the similarities between them and the Royals are quite astonishing.
Like the Royal Family, the ANC live on their own planet, utterly oblivious of the needs and the struggles of ordinary people in the street.
Like the Royal Family, the ANC reside in their own self-satisfied bubble, isolated from the outside world.
These days, the ANC is a government in name only. They have actually stopped governing long ago. They have almost stopped pretending to govern.
For them, South Africa is no longer a reality. We don't exist. They have forgotten all about us.
But here's the best part: like the Royals, the ANC is bound to start fighting among themselves any moment now. (They have already started, in fact.)
And no wonder. There isn't all that much left to plunder. Everything has been stripped bare; there's almost nothing left to loot.
Once everything's gone, and they can't bluff anyone anymore. What’s left for them to do?
What remains?
Where to now?
Like my fellow columnists, I have spent much time theorising about possible futures for South Africa. Most of these future scenarios have been rather dark.
Are we headed towards civil war? Major unrest? A stolen election? Successful or failed coalitions? A state of emergency or even a coup de'tat? What about a Russian invasion?
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All of these outcomes are still possible, I guess.
The one future scenario that has never occurred to me is this one, though: what if the ANC collapse all by themselves, without anyone else lifting a finger?
No countrywide protests or marches. No revamped Voëlvry Tour. We might not even need to consider illegally withholding our taxes. All we will have to do is sit back, switch on our TV’s – if load shedding permits – and watch these comrades utterly destroy themselves through in-fighting.
Imagine what shot will go down once the RET faction and the anti-RET faction (what's the difference between them, anyway?), the EFF, the Zumaites, and the hypocritical "reformers” such as Cyril Ramaphosa and Pravin Gordhan all join the general punch-up!
If they are too inept to rule a country, they will surely be too inept to even pretend that there is any unity left in their party.Fetch the popcorn! This is going to be the best soapy you've ever watched.
- Joe Kitchen is a South African musician, singer, songwriter and writer who sometimes goes by the name of Koos Kombuis, André Letoit and/or André le Roux du Toit.
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