Join the Islamic State and laugh your head off

Yeah, yeah, Long Walk to Freedom star Idris Elba couldn’t get a South African visa for his kid. I hope he told them in his best Madiba voice: “Never, never and never again…” But really people, calm down. Have you tried getting a UK visa?

The official response is: “Ha! Ha! Ha! ask Trevor Noah to hide you in his suitcase next time he visits.” We need to start seeing our madness in a global context.

Hehehehe!

Do you realise that the Islamic State (IS), that club of cowards, now controls an area larger than the UK? It’s trying to recruit engineers, administrators and doctors. Imagine being an official IS doctor. “You will die, but first, I will heal you. Then you will die. What’s your blood pressure?”

If they really need murderous doctors, maybe we can lend them Tim Noakes. Because if anything turns you into a radical fundamentalist, it’s a life without carbs.

Hehehehe!

Apparently the IS uses WhatsApp to make plans. WhatsApp needs to upgrade its emoticon options. “American flag, angry face, angry face, party ribbon explosion” just doesn’t cut it. The IS is even making money selling oil on the side. Can you imagine the Gumtree ad? “2 000 barrels. Cash only. No time-wasters”.

Hehehehe!

Then brave online activists clicked “yes” when Facebook allowed them to create French flag photo filters because if we are talking about people who go to another country to kill people, then the French flag is historically very honest.

Don’t get me wrong, Vive la France, but Facebook’s Mali-flag option doesn’t seem to be functioning. I’m not saying Facebook is racist, but this is where rejected News24 commentators went to console each other.

Hehehehe!

In the US, the House of Representatives has banned Syrian refugees from entering the county.

The only way around American xenophobia is if you can convince the US that you are actually there to marry Donald Trump. Now Trump even supports making a list of Muslims living in the US.

They will get to it as soon as they have finished the list of a***holes living in the US: 1) Donald 2) George 3) Charlie Sheen. Blaming the whole of Islam for the IS is like blaming mad cow disease on Steri Stumpie. It’s like thinking salad is bad for you because heroin is made from flowers.

Hehehehe!

But come on, South Africa. The fact of the matter is that we do need to stand up and speak out against a group that happily oppresses women, has unprecedented levels of violence and one which nobody really knows how to stop. I don’t mean the IS; I mean South African men.

Hehehehe!

You are probably wondering why there’s this inappropriate, self-congratulatory laughter between each paragraph. I’m just trying to give this column some kind of presidential decorum.

@chestermissing is SA’s top political analyst puppet and is associated with ventriloquist @conradkoch

We live in a world where facts and fiction get blurred
In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. For only R75 per month, you have access to a world of in-depth analyses, investigative journalism, top opinions and a range of features. Journalism strengthens democracy. Invest in the future today.
Subscribe to News24
Lockdown For
DAYS
HRS
MINS
Voting Booth
As South Africa faces down the third Covid-19 wave, how are you keeping your family safe ?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
Staying at home, isolating and being careful
19% - 439 votes
Sanitising and wearing masks when we go out
69% - 1623 votes
Going on as usual, we're not afraid of the virus
13% - 302 votes
Vote
Rand - Dollar
14.13
-0.0%
Rand - Pound
19.92
-0.0%
Rand - Euro
17.16
-0.0%
Rand - Aus dollar
11.00
-0.0%
Rand - Yen
0.13
-0.0%
Gold
1,843.76
0.0%
Silver
27.42
0.0%
Palladium
2,894.50
0.0%
Platinum
1,229.50
0.0%
Brent Crude
68.71
+2.5%
Top 40
60,573
+0.6%
All Share
66,598
+0.7%
Resource 10
69,386
-0.1%
Industrial 25
83,277
+0.9%
Financial 15
12,685
+1.5%
All JSE data delayed by at least 15 minutes Iress logo