Headlines you will not see in 2018

Brian Molefe. (City Press)
Brian Molefe. (City Press)

Bonang writes sequels

After her disastrously successful – or successfully disastrous – autobiography From A to B, celebrity Bonang Matheba is releasing a sequel. Titled From G to R to W to D, the book is being described by reviewers as “the dyslexic’s bible”.

“If you thought last year’s book was gibberish, try this one. Every word is jumbled and every sentence is back to front,” wrote one reviewer.

“Bonang’s lasting literary legacy will be that, thanks to her two books, she took the stigma out of dyslexia and made the condition glamorous,” wrote another.

Nomvula picks up rands

The former minister of water and sanitation, Nomvula Mokonyane – who lost her job soon after the ANC’s December 2017 elective conference in Nasrec in Johannesburg – has made good on her promise to pick up the rand. When she announced last year that if the rand fell she and her comrades would pick it up, she was subjected to scorn.

But now residents of the West Rand township of Kagiso – where she returned to when her political fortunes turned sour – say she is regularly spotted at local shopping centres and transport hubs, picking up rands that people have dropped by mistake.

“Whoever said politicians must not be taken at their word was totally wrong,” a local resident said.

Bathabile makes sense

In a remarkable development that had atheists and agnostics pronouncing that God exists, ANC Women’s League president Bathabile Dlamini made some sense. Addressing a press conference about plans for the league to update its uniform, Dlamini uttered a comprehensible sentence. One.

“Our nice new uniform will still be black, green and gold, and it will only be worn by members of the ANC Women’s League,” she said, without once pausing to chew her teeth or adding a demented deviation.

A spokesperson for the National Association of Unreconstructed Atheists and Agnostics said the organisation was disbanding in the wake of this miracle.

PAC #Fills Up The Dining Room

Inspired by rapper Cassper Nyovest’s feats of filling up large stadiums, the newly elected leadership of the Pan Africanist Congress (PAC) has embarked on a revival campaign to grow its support base.

The #FillUptheDiningRoom campaign was aimed at getting as many supporters into one dining room as a show of strength and growing mass support. Activists gathered at a house in Johannesburg and helped move the dining room table outside to make space for the PAC multitudes to pile in.

“We achieved 75% capacity, so it shows we are a vibrant party,” said a member of the new PAC national executive.

“Next, we are going to fill up a dining room and a lounge. From there it will be a whole house. Then we will be unstoppable. One Azania, one nation and one people,” he said.

Brian Molefe joins Idols

M-Net sources say the versatile Brian Molefe will be joining the Idols judging panel for the 2018 edition of the singing competition.

Senior insiders at the pay TV station said the decision to bring Molefe on board was based on his obvious versatility and multiple skills.

“He moved from being the chief executive of logistics company Transnet to heading energy utility Eskom to being a pensioner to becoming an MP and then an army colonel. How many people in this country are that adaptable besides him and Carl Niehaus?” a senior M-Net executive told City Press.

“We believe Molefe must also have an artistic side to him.”

Dali Tambo to finally release much-anticipated documentary

It has been 18 years in the making, and now it is finally here.

Last year, City Press reported that the documentary that Dali Tambo was researching at The Ranch strip club, when he was caught there in a Scorpions raid nearly two decades ago, was finally ready for release.

But Tambo says that, because of its steamy nature, he decided to delay the doccie for a year so as not to distract ANC members who were preparing for the party’s December elective conference.

“You know what the comrades are like. If I released it in 2017, they would all have been sidetracked. There would have been a flood of SMSes and WhatsApps asking for pictures of p.r.i.v.a.t.e p.a.r.t.s. Some would have rushed to homes of rhino poachers, asking for massages with happy endings. Others would have been sending saucy emails from anonymous addresses,” said the loyal and disciplined Cadre Tambo.

“The military veterans would have been displaying their nudity to all and sundry. The president would have been running around searching for brides all over the Southern African Development Community region.”

Carl Niehaus tells the truth

When this story is published, Cape Town’s water levels will reach 95% capacity.

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