Good day brothers, sisters, South Africans and fellow creatures. Sawubona, goeie dag and molweni. Howzit people? I’m done with the formal speeches and pleas, life is good now.
If you can’t remember who I am, allow me to refresh your memory. I’m that lion who escaped from the Karoo National Park twice. I am also the lion who made tjommies with a flock of sheep. Some say I ate the sheep, I say “wool you be my friend”. You go to Rome, you eat pizza, you go to the Karoo, you eat lamb; it is elementary dear humans.
Firstly, I want to thank the two-legged citizens of South Africa for their public outcries, petitions and social media rants. You really caused a big stir and you should do the same for my brothers in captivity.
Secondly, thank you SANParks for not punishing me for my nomadic lifestyle choices but for embracing my wandering spirit with a new home.
Lastly, I want to thank the South African government; without your money (well actually, the taxpayers’ money) none of this would have been possible.
I truly am the king; I got a new home, I have two wives, enough water for multiple showers, high security fences, astroturf for exercising, a brother, a big piece of land and enough meat to keep the pot boiling for a lifetime. I wanted to name my new abode Nkandlion but it already had a name before my arrival so I decided to stick with the original name (don’t know if there is enough tax money for name changes too). Thank you for your generous contribution of nearly one and a half million rand; I saw the invoice, sjoe, quite a lot, but luckily I could read all the numbers and zeros. I am thankful.
My new home is in the Eastern Cape (don’t tell anyone but I will still be rooting for the Stormers during the Currie Cup) and the name of my kingdom is Kuzuko Lodge, a private section of the Addo Elephant National Park.
I’ve been living in a boma since May; it is only temporary and kind of like an AirBnB apartment (wi-fi, meals and security included).
My escape has led to some sessions with a psychologist; I’ve sat on his couch for hours and hours to get to the bottom of my problem.
The problem? I am lonely. The solution? I need a buddy.
So a few weeks ago a new resident moved in by the name of Fillies, he is still a laaitie, wet behind the ears with a small mane, but I like him. He knows his place, he respects his elders and is such a good wingman; outside our boma there are two lady lions parading up and down, batting their eyelids at us and showing leg. I promise, we are staying in an AirBnB apartment; the boma is not some sort of gentleman’s club.
Everything is going really good at Kuzuko Lodge; sheep is not such a big delicacy here so the majority of my diet consists of warthog. I’ve now realised that sheep are friends, not food (can’t say the same for the pumbas). I need to spend a bit more time with Fillies to establish a bro-code before we can leave the AirBnB boma and go into the massive abode of the ladies.
I am excited to go on dates with the two females. I’ve decided that Fillies and I will go on double dates but that we will also exchange dates every now and then; I’m a nomad, I am not monogamous. Fillies happily agreed. Those two ladies are the hottest two lionesses I’ve ever seen. Don’t worry, if – no, not if, WHEN – when something happens I’ll definitely kiss and tell.
Brothers, sisters, South Africans and fellow creatures, I want to assure you that this is home now and that I am not going anywhere. I have family here, Matt, one of the older lions at Kuzuko is actually my brother from another mother; we have the same father. Please tell Oprah to feature us on her show, it really is a heartwarming story.
This is home, I have my kingdom, my wives, my buddy and I have caretakers and loving security guards.
Come visit me and see for yourself how the two lady lions are flirting with me…
I am happy, Sylvester the lion is finally home
What to read next on Traveller24: