For years I struggled with my self-esteem and could not stand a man near me. I felt so sorry for myself and felt I deserved the punishment. I felt like the ugliest girl on earth. For years I could not look into a mirror. I couldn’t stand myself. And then something happened that saved me. I went on a church camp with some grade 7 kids (I was a volunteer at church) and the theme was masks and why we wear them. There was this beautiful woman that did a drama on child abuse and alcohol abuse – something broke inside me. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I felt so embarrassed but shared my story anyway. It was people I knew and was so afraid that they would judge me – they didn’t. They held me and cried with me. Some freedom came that day.
After that I just decided that I did not want to be the victim anymore. I started working with a psychologist and she gave me some amazing advice about how to go on with my life. According to her my nature is of a fighter and I created my own coping mechanism – exercise. That gave me back some dignity. I started feeling better about myself. I believe that God has a plan with everything. Even the bad stuff that happens to us.
I believe one day I will be able to help a kid whose life was shattered by this trauma. I don’t wish it on any one. But if you do go through it don’t take as long as me (25 years) before you seek help.
I believe that one day I will have a husband that loves me even though this happened to me. I will never lose Hope.
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