But not only watching the abuse towards my Mother, but also falling victim to the abuse has left scars so deep rooted that I fear so much more than conflict itself.
My biggest fear is my capabilities. I am so afraid of my own potential and what I am capable of that I have developed a mental block to succeeding in life. I cannot explain it, but I’m stuck in nothingness, I live from day to day. I’m incognito. To me being successful comes with loads of conflict and I cannot see myself in that situation.
The fear of conflict is just one thing I have adapted to living with, which has hindered my me in so many ways, work conflict, constructive criticism and now mostly in my Marriage. When there’s a problem I retreat into silence when my mind reels with so much things to say but my brain will not allow my voice to operate. I fear that what I’ll say will provoke the possibility of violence. My defence, “silence”, has created more damage in my life and I cannot seem to move away from it. Believe me when I say I have been for counselling, psychotherapy, spiritual healing, I’m still on anti-depressants and I still feel nothing has changed.
I am 30 and I am still living the effects of the abuse today. I urge all young men and women to please try and end the Culture of abuse that has infected this nation. We have so much to work for in this country, but the pandemic of all the various ills and abuses is tarnishing the Hope of a better tomorrow.