10 clear signs that you're a parent


You might think you're alone when it comes to certain aspects of being a parent, but you really aren't.

Before your child was born, you were counting the days until you became a parent and now that you are (congratulations,) all kinds of crazy and surprising changes are happening to you.

Read more: 10 unexpected perks of being a parent

Real stories: How parenting changes you

You find yourself repeating the same one-liners that your parents used to say to you, you don't see your friends as much as you used to and sleeping means more to you than brushing your teeth.

Here are more telltale signs that you're a parent;


Your ability to hear and talk to someone while your children scream and shout next to you is extraordinary. The fact that the person you're talking to has no idea what you're talking about (because they can't hear a word) doesn't phase you one bit.

You can pick up and move objects that are 230 degrees or hotter.

You never get sick. And if you do, you're magically cured when your child gets sick.

You can see through walls.

Personal appearance (what's that?)

If you're a mom, wearing make-up and brushing your hair is reserved for special occasions (royal weddings and Christmas). You have peanut-butter in your hair and vomit in your ear. If you're a dad, you don't mind having a dad-bod. You also have peanut-butter in your hair and vomit in your ear.

The subject column of your email inbox consists of “WORMS, HEAD-LICE and CHICKENPOX”

and also...

FROM: Mom. SUBJECT: You didn't phone me last night

FROM: Virgin Active. SUBJECT: Membership cancellation confirmation

FROM: Mom. Subject: You're ignoring me, aren't you?


FROM: Mom. SUBJECT: I'll never give up on you

FROM: School. SUBJECT: Unexplained absence from school

FROM: Kids and Nature. SUBJECT: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: How to catch a butterfly

FROM: Mom. SUBJECT: I give up

You spell out E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

Because your three-year-old can't spell yet and there are certain words that will trigger a tantrum.

Parent language: Honey, should we take the kids for I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M this weekend?”

You buy wine by the barrel

Opening the fridge to an almost-empty wine-bottle after the kids are in bed is just not gonna cut it. Wine is the Gummy Beary juice of parenting. Wine is the answer. Wine is life.

You become a hypocrite

That awkward moment when you've spent your entire parenting-life lecturing your kids about the dangers of smoking and drinking, and your teenager comes home early to find you and your friends playing beer-pong while you smoke the cigarettes you confiscated from them. 

You fall asleep during sexy-time

Because sleep is more important than anything (except for wine).

You know all the words to every, single Frozen song and people want to throw eggs at you

You also know which Teletubby is which. Makka Pakka, Mister Maker and The Little Einsteins have saved your sanity (or not). You find yourself watching C-beebies alone, an hour after the kids have gone to sleep.

You have shares in Pampers wet-wipes

You use wet-wipes for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! To clean your car, to take off your make-up and to get the peanut-butter out of your hair (try it).

"Eww what is that stuck in the carpet? Pro-nutro? Vomit?" *Grabs wet-wipes.

Dr Poop

You're an expert poop-analyst. You have no problem discussing it at dinner-tables with non-parent friends and you assume that everyone really really really wants to hear all about the various colours, textures and aromas that your child created and then ate it last night.

Why are you doing this? Were you deprived of a childhood? In fact you're often quite proud. Just because you've been knee-deep in diarrhoea since the day your child was born doesn't mean everyone wants to hear about it. Drink wine instead.

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.

What strange things do you find yourself doing now that you're a parent (apart from drinking wine)? 


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