A reader admits to struggling with infertility: "Most days are a battle for me and I hate this part about myself"

"I see pregnant women and can't help but feel sad."
"I see pregnant women and can't help but feel sad."

In March 2017, my husband and I got married. I wasn't on any contraceptive and we opted with the notion that 'if it happens, it happens' from the very first night that we got married. Four months later I fell pregnant but started bleeding a few days after we found out. I was under a week pregnant and had a horrific miscarriage which had me bleeding for 6 weeks non-stop. As if trying to deal with the loss of a baby was hard, I still had to endure the physical and emotional pain that goes hand in hand with a miscarriage. 

Seven months later I fell pregnant again. This time I was further along (just under 3 months) and was so excited to be a first time mother. I started "swelling up" but I merely thought it was me picking up weight as I started getting all these weird and unhealthy food cravings which I always gave in to.

I started getting bad abdominal cramps and my husband took me to the ER where they informed us that it was a threatened miscarriage. The next day I went to my gynaecologist who then told my husband and I that he would need to perform an emergency operation on me in 2 hrs time.

It literally felt like my whole world came tumbling down. I left the doctor's office in tears and my heart was literally aching. The doctor had to remove one of my fallopian tubes as the one tube had ruptured and caused internal bleeding, which if not treated, could lead to death. The doctor told us that my other fallopian tube is in excellent condition and that we can fall pregnant with only one tube.

This happened a few months ago and most days are a battle for me.

I have never been a jealous person but when people around me fall pregnant without a problem I literally burst into tears when I find out that they are pregnant. I should be happy for them but I am not. I see pregnant women and can't help but feel sad especially as I had always looked after myself growing up.

Feeling like this makes me hate this part about myself. I have my off days but I'd like to believe that I am getting better with dealing with this every day with the help of my husband and friends.

We are trying to remain positive that we will fall pregnant in due time.

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