1. You’re in a crowded restaurant and your 6-month-old little angel starts a crap fest which has patrons gagging for breath. And you only have two wet wipes left. Do you:
A: Call the manager and calmly say someone walked past and left this baby with you, could they please call child services to collect it.
B: Lash out at your partner and say loud enough for everyone to hear: "I told you we should have gotten a gold fish."
C: Calmly, with lots of smiles, take baba to the change room, clean her up, dispose of the stinky stuff, and order another beer!
2. The cute little bundle of joy you brought home from the hospital 9 months ago has developed into the demon child from hell at midnight. When she finally nods off, you realise it’s time to get up for work. Do you:
A: Call in sick and spend the day cleaning up vomit and promising God you will never have sex again.
B: Look up the number for that travelling band of gypsies and tell them about a new baby with a cute vomiting trick that they could snap up for a bargain at R10.
C: Catch an hour-long power nap, shower, shampoo, shave, and wash the baby, drop her off at preschool, down two Red Bulls en-route to the office and wow your clients.
3. You’re crossing the street in a busy parking lot at a shopping mall on a Saturday morning and your 3-year-old insists on crossing the road on her own, causes a helluva scene, and is almost run down by a teenager on motorcycle. Do you:
A: Grab her by her hair and fling her into the boot of your car, yelling at the top of your lungs, "You’re not coming out of there until you’re 102!"
B: Ask the teenager to do another drive by and do it right this time!
C: Rescue your tyke in the nick of time, give the teenager The Look, calmly put the screaming bundle of snot and trane into the car seat and smile contently knowing that there’s whisky at home.
4. At a kiddies party with all her buddies from school and their parents, she can be heard having an intense discussion with her best friend saying, "But my daddy says your mom and dad are really ugly and he doesn’t know how they could have made a pretty girl like you." Do you:
A: Quietly disappear, later calling the host of the party asking her to hold on to your child until midnight while you attend to a family emergency.
B: Stand up and proclaim loud enough for everyone to hear: "Here baby, it’s time for your medication to make you stop telling terrible lies."
C: Look the parents concerned squarely in the eye and smile, saying, "Kids, they say the darndest things, don’t they?"
5. After you’ve had a really dismal day at the office, you realise that your kid has picked up on your foul mood and does not want you to hold her and starts screaming for her mother. Do you:
A: Pull out the martyr stick and beat yourself silly for being a bad parent and not being able to leave your work issues at work.
B: Drive her straight to her mother, hand her over saying, "She doesn’t love me anymore, I’m going to jump into the river and sleep with the fishes."
C: Take a second, shake off the work dust, pull a funny face and start singing her favourite song, which she joins in and soon has you forgetting about the work situation, and marvelling at how it could be possible that you could love anyone this much.
By now you would have worked it out yourself. But if you have not chosen option C in each scenario, stick to goldfish, cats and dogs!
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Read more by Marlon Abrahams.
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