Oh my word, I laughed out loud when I read this story. I'm not going to lie. Because I 100% know that this is the kind of thing that would happen to me if I ever attempted to do yoga. Aside from my body just not bending that way, I can definitely see this body of mine betraying me in this hilarious and embarrassing way.
In short, Laura Mazza, who blogs over at Mum on the Run, decided to try yoga on advice from her chiropractor in an attempt to fix her separated muscle wall – something which is very common after having babies.
But all did not go as planned. Mazza certainly has a way of describing things. I read this as I was putting my daughter to sleep, which was a big mistake because she woke up as I shook with not-so-silent laughter. But it's just so funny and relatable.
Read the post below (note, she uses strong language and blasphemy to describe her mortification):
Here's why we're all Laura:
1. She lives in active wear for leisure women
She already had us giggling with: "I put on a pair of yoga pants, because for someone who has never done yoga, really, I seem to own a lot of yoga pants."
2. She doesn't shave her toes
"Everyone's taking off their socks and I'm thinking oh lord, my toes are hairy and I didn't shave them, I only dry shaved my ankles in case my pants ride up," she freely admits.
3. She fumbles sometimes
The story doesn't let up. She continues:
"Then ashram yoga guru says loudly, 'Oh we have a new member tonight. We are blessed with the company of....??" And then I replied with, "Oh yes. And I am blessed with your company." I don't know why I said that, probably because I'm a social idiot.
4. And she farts
"We move into the downward facing dog... and that's when I started to feel my guts. Now for the past few weeks I have had IBS symptoms like something crazy. My farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant.
"And somewhere between the dolphin position and the three-legged dog two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart.
I farted. I farted at yoga. I'm a walking cliché. My pelvic floor has failed me."
The first two are quiet and she hopes to get away with that. Because everyone farts, right?
"But then we move to some position where my head's between my legs, and the smell hits me like a punch to the nose. I died inside and now I officially smell like something has also died inside. I'm thinking, do I leave? Do I leave the country? Is this happening?? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?"
She has a quick team talk with herself and decides to push through. "Fitness here we come."
But then it got real.
"We then go down on this position where we stretch right out but our legs are like a frog on the floor. The teacher then came around and pushed everyone down lower... I hold in my butthole nice and tight to make sure no farts escape again.
"She comes over... pushes my back down... And buuuuuuuuuurrppppfffffff. The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass.
"I froze... What just happened. I'm dreaming. Surely. I'm in a nightmare."
It was too much for her. "I got up, attempted to roll up my yoga mat but couldn't do it, so I just kinda chucked it to the side and grabbed my shoes and socks and my bag all in my arms and basically bolted out the door."
5. She can laugh at herself
Reading it again, this throwaway line also got to me: "We got into the class and it was dark and there's candles everywhere. (Just a slight fire risk you guys.)"
I think what's so great about this is how real this is. I'm sure we've all, in one way or another, had our post-baby bodies straight-up betray us in public. We've all been Laura Mazza at some point in our lives and it's a breath of fresh air to see someone share something so normal, rather than put on that Instagram-perfect kind of life.
Your body and exercise after birth
- Exercise after a vaginal birth
- Your post-birth body: what to expect
- Some yoga postures to try at home
- Want some yoga baby
What's the worst way your post-baby body has embarrassed you in public? Send your stories to email@example.com and we could publish them!
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