10 things my parents didn’t tell me

  1. I will confuse my children’s names when calling or referring to them, just like my mom did with us! ‘Mad, fetch me the jug in the bathroom. Do I look like I’m Mad? I’m Hannah, remember wise guy, the little terrorist with the cute smile is Mad.’ - Hannah
  2. I will use silly, nonsensical terminology when reproaching them, just like they did with us. ‘If you don’t pull your face right, it’s going to stay that way.’ ‘Pick your lip up off the floor before you trip over it.’ ‘If you don’t clean that mess up right now, I promise you I’m going to sell you to the gypsies when you’re asleep.’
  3. Little babies don’t remain cute forever, luckily they get cuter.
  4. Other people’s children are always more weird. And you end up making fun of them with your kids, while knowing that they’re probably doing the same thing about you and your kids.
  5. You will feel a strange inexplicable sense of manic protection, much like a lioness feels about its cubs. Although sometimes you’ll also feel a strange inexplicable need to want to bite their little heads off, just like a lion.
  6. They will embarrass you with comments like, ‘look Dad, there’s the neighbour with the fat arse’ – loud enough for elephant bum to hear. Or ‘look Dad, it’s fcukwit!’ to the man at the garage shop.
  7. They will astound you with their inherent deviousness. ‘Where’s that bubble gum you had? I told you not to drop it on the car seat?’
    ‘I threw it out the window, Dad.’
    Only to be discovered firmly lodged between the leather seats on car-wash day.
    ‘If you must have such a big piece of chocolate cake, I hope you can finish it!?’ ‘Sure, Dad.’
    Later that evening… what’s this lumpy thing under my pristine white linen pillow?
  8. They will astound you with their capacity to love you. ‘I love you more than you love me, Dad.’
    ‘Well, that’s impossible, because I loved you from before you were born, so I’ll always be 9 months ahead of you.’
    ‘Well that doesn’t count because I was sleeping, so I love you more.’ – Hannah
  9. They will break your heart and reduce you to tears from a million miles away. ‘Sofia can’t stop talking about you after you called her.’
    ‘What is she saying?’
    ‘That her daddy said he loved her.’
  10. They will amaze you and leave you speechless with their perfect logic. ‘What’s all this crap on your broeks, I told you to wipe your bottom carefully!’
    ‘But Dad, dogs and cats don’t have to wipe their bottoms.’ – Maddi   

Which inevitable parenting pitfalls have you fallen into?

Read more by Marlon Abrahams
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