Social media! What a delicious thing it is. You can stay in touch with far flung rellies and find out about breaking news. Your friends latest antics and sarcastic remarks can be enjoyed when you need a break from work, and let’s not forget to pay homage to the endless run of fabulous jokes and cat videos that squeeze out a much-needed snort of laughter.
However, social media is also stalked by parents who commit an array of social crimes that really, really should be banned for life. Here are the top nine crimes in no particular order of Aaargh…
1. Opening a social media account for a baby…
The age restriction laws are there for a reason people, and quite frankly the idea of being part of your (honestly) dull child’s life is not anyone’s idea of fun (grandparents excepted). Their latest poo and out of focus photograph just makes most of us seek out a freshly sharpened spoon with which to gouge out our eyes. It’s a baby! When your small human is capable of making witty and insightful remarks about the state of the universe, then we are more than happy to pay attention.
The only thing worse than the social account belonging to a baby is when the parents post fake updates from the baby. And respond to them…
2. Honing in on pure terror…
…and sharing it with everyone else. That serial killer that stalks small children and subjects them to endless suffering, the app that tracks their every move – these are usually fake, but thanks for injecting sharp bursts of adrenalin into our already stressed bodies. We needed that after the four hours of sleep and insane extramural schedule.
3. Oversharing their lives
Look, it’s really awesome that your little girl has just had her first poo or that you have just touched your placenta, but please stop telling us about it. There is no way that posting a photograph of the soggy remains of your birthing experience is ever going to make anyone feel closer to you. The same goes for vomit, turds, spit bubbles, drooling and snot.
4. The super parent
You gave up your life to be that perfect parent. You simply DON’T understand why other people find this parenting malarkey so difficult. You just spent all night sewing the perfect costume for the school play and love that tired and satisfied feeling surging through your fit and skinny body. You have finished baking a batch of your “famous” cookies for the teacher and can’t wait to see how much everyone loves them.
Wow, so happy for you and your advanced parenting skills, but you make everyone else feel crap. Tell someone who cares. No, really…
5. The sneak
“OH!” they sing in their status update, “Silly little Ebenezer, reading War and Peace when it’s time for his afternoon nap. Honestly, that child should remember he’s only three!”
There’s a name for this behaviour, it’s called Humblebragging and it doesn’t make you look good.
6. The endless photographer
Please, please stop posting pictures of your child onto every social media platform five or six times a day. There are other people on here too, you know, and some of them don’t have kids or can’t have kids or are suffering from issues like infertility. Your kid is awesome; your friends know that, so keep the Awesome to visits and photo albums. Please. Just, please.
7. The incessant complainer
School sucks. Work sucks. Lunchboxes suck. Homework sucks. Everything is so awful that you simply must post pictures and updates about every, single terrible and catastrophic thing. The vomit that little Johnny’s playdate left on your car seat. The Bepanthen smeared all over the floor. Just clean it up, call a friend and drink lots of wine.
Although the slightly worse opposite – the Extremely Perfect Lifer – should either stop telling everyone how every day is so fabulous and perfect or admit that they woke up with a hangover and barfed on the dog.
8. The yawning tedium
“Today we washed the car!” – update with photo of car and soggy toddler with nappy by knees.
“Today we had Cheerios!” – picture of face covered in partially eaten industrial goop.
“Cleaned the loo!” – no picture to make this easier/worse.
9. The mommyist/daddyist/parentist
For every status update made by a friend you have a way of bringing the topic around to your baby, having babies, being a parent and how life will be so much better once you have one in your life. Your bestie just got promoted? No problem! Remind them that they are running out of time and their eggs are tottering on the verge of death and they simply must have a baby right now.
These are the same parents who gave birth to a ten ton baby without any pain relief, whose child is already sleeping through by day two and can tell you exactly what you are doing wrong with your baby, and thinks its selfish for Cameron Diaz to have chosen not to have kids.
Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.
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