Local divorcée and divorce mentor shares her tips on staying married and getting divorced

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Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash
Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

Ruska Lee Pedro is a two-time divorcée who uses her life experience and her education as a family mediator to help families get through tough times. Here she offers her insight into marriage and divorce.


How do you prevent divorce? By not getting married, is the short answer! 

But the long answer is you need to know who you are marrying.

Premarital Education is essential in today’s life, it will help you and your future spouse get through the hard times and can prevent big situations from overheating in the days to come. 

Premarital Coaching is advisable for the following reasons: 

  • Builds a sense of stability and increase self-awareness 
  • Improves effective communication 
  • It will give you the proper tools to overcome any future conflict 
  • Most of all it will give you some insight to get to know yourself a little bit better

Before you and your partner agree to get married, there needs to be 100% transparency with everything from the way you like your coffee all the way to your finances. 

Love is not always enough

This is where you can get a professional involved in laying out the foundation of what a 'Happy Marriage' needs, and trust me: LOVE is not always enough. 

As much as I love the movie Jerry Mcquire, sorry Rene, you got it wrong. Nobody can complete you besides yourself!

You need to be a whole person and healed from any past childhood trauma's. 

Growing up in a 'not-so-ideal' household under 'not-so-ideal' circumstances can weigh heavy on anyone. 

So my advice: help yourself heal first, love yourself first. Don’t hide behind a mask or false sense of self; it is damaging to everyone around, including yourself. 

Communication, Communication, Communication

I can’t stress this enough!

Be open and don't assume, we go through our daily lives thinking that people should know what we want, but without voicing it, there is no way of knowing for sure. 

If you are not sure then rather make certain by asking. It’s not difficult and it can eliminate future arguments. Couples should be on the same page when starting a life together or joining a blended family together. 

The ideal scenario is meet your Prince Charming and get married, white picket fence, the works! 

However, that is not always the case and that was certainly not the case for me.

I’m currently on my second divorce and I am still standing, probably stronger than ever.

I have taken all my personal life experience and my academic education and I put it all into my current position as a Family-Life Coach. 

I know exactly what should be done when it comes to starting a life together or ending a life together. The HOW is up to you.

Are you ready?

Here are few simple steps that I take my clients through: 

  • Are you BOTH ready for marriage? (it shouldn’t be something that is forced or expected, both of you need to be on the same page) 
  • What are you bringing to the party? (You can’t expect life to go on as per usual, you need to play your part as well)
  • What’s the end goal? (Children? Immigration?) 
  • Is there transparency? (Health, Family, Finances) 
  • And so on and so on 

Like every individual, every marriage is unique as well, and we treat each matter on its merits.

A failed marriage 

You are not a failure. Allow yourself to grieve.

When I do a Divorce Debriefing with my clients, we focus on finding who you are. You are not the same person you were IN the marriage and most certainly are not the same person BEFORE the wedding.

You shouldn’t see a Divorce as a Failed Marriage; you can look at it as a Rebirth or a Life Adjustment. Dealing with divorce has its levels of sadness, denial and pain and you need to allow yourself to grieve and cry all the tears you need to – crying heals. 

Allow yourself to get over this stage in your life before you make any rash, unhealthy decision.

Every stage in your life demands a different you, and dare I say, a better you. Remember that things do not happen TO you; they happen FOR you, and the ending of something is the beginning of something else. 

How you depict it is up to you, entirely. 

It may be easier said than done, but trust me, as someone who has been married and divorced twice, I know that better things are on their way.

You may not see it now, but if you have the proper support structure and the right mindset, you can achieve new heights that you never thought possible! 

For more on this topic, see Parent24's series on #DignifiedDivorce here

Chatback:

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Sources: Mumsnet

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