Talking sex with Mom

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Since becoming a mother I have noticed that certain subjects I wouldn’t have touched with a stick now suddenly make for everyday conversation.

Before, I would never have used the word ‘poo.’ Not even in the privacy of my own bathroom.  Now I can happily chat about consistency and colour of aforementioned bodily ejection while queuing to pay for milk. No wonder non-parent friends sometimes regard me with a firmly raised eyebrow.

Fortunately (or possibly unfortunately) most mothers do seem to have the ability to ignore a previous life of modesty. Not by choice, but rather as a way of self preservation.

You can only be puked on, peed on or groped by a toddler so many times in public before caution is thrown to the wind.

‘I’m having sex, Mom’

That said, there is one thing that I do struggle to admit to. You see, even after 7 years of marriage and having a 2-year-old boy, I still have difficulty admitting to my mom that I am, well, doing… it.

And what is trying to conceive if not having sex?

So when I said to my mom, ‘if all goes well you’ll have another grandchild,’ I instantly turned a rather dazzling shade of red. I might as well have blurted out, ‘I am having sex, Mom.’ (Something she must have known, since she has seen our first born.) I was unprepared for her reaction. ‘Do you want a girl or a boy? I can tell you about a few positions.’

I shivered. Even felt a little nauseated. There are certain things I do not want to hear from my senior citizen mother. Possible sex positions most definitely fall into that category.

Mostly because it reminds me that my mother had sex and the thought of her being aware of more than missionary also makes me uneasy. If she knows that, what else does she know?

Then I started thinking (a rather dangerous pastime for me).
• she knows I have had sex (baby has proven that)
• she knows I’m having sex (told her we are trying to conceive)
• does she know when I’m having sex?

The answer: pretty much.

Here’s my reasoning: Once I am pregnant I will tell my mother. She will ask the due date and I will enlighten her without second thought. (Okay, so now I might have second thoughts.) Due dates are worked out from the start of your last period. Work it back and you can calculate your last period from your due date. Add two weeks or so for ovulation time and yes, you have it, the approximate time I had sex.

So by giving my mom a due date she will also know:
• when Aunt Flow last visited
• when I last ovulated
• and at least once when I had sex
Scary thought.

So next time you tell someone when your due date is, remember this. I do not want to suffer alone…

Which are the most embarrassing bits of trying to fall pregnant?

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.

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