A baby after miscarriage

accreditation

Losing my baby was not something I planned for; not something I expected. So how do I know when we should start trying again?

I knew that we would try to fall pregnant again from the moment I got the sad news from my gynae. Not for a replacement – there is no such thing – but the reasons my husband and I want a baby are still the same. They are still valid. So we will try.

But when?

I asked my gynae. She tapped with a finger against the side of her head, “When your mind is ready”. Not the answer I had anticipated. I was waiting for a schedule, a plan. Something like: drink folic acid every day, eat all your green vegetables, walk 2km backwards while singing the national anthem and come see me in six months. I wanted a time, something I could do. Even if it seemed silly.

My confused expression must have tipped her off.

She explained. In my case it was not my body that caused the miscarriage. Physically I was fine. Healthy. Yes, she would like me to have a normal cycle to use as a benchmark, but other than that, my body was not standing in my way. It was my head.

Well, my head did not want to hear it.

How could I be healthy if I couldn’t carry my baby to term? There must be something wrong with me. I wanted something to be wrong. Something I could fix, so that it did not happen again. Once again my expression gave me away. “When you have those thoughts, call me. I will tell you why it’s not true,” she said.

My mind has to be ready and no amount of my snapping fingers will do the trick. This brought me to even more questions: how do I know when my mind can handle another pregnancy? How does my emotional mind tell when it’s ready?

- Is it when I forget?
- Is it when I stop crying?
- Is it when I am able to delete the expected due date, that will never be, from my calendar?

Luckily for me, the answer to the last three questions is: no. I don’t have to throw the calendar out. I am allowed to cry. I can remember. It will always be true that I lost my baby; I do not have to put this from my mind. This baby deserves a spot in my heart.

But I am also allowed to try again because I did nothing wrong. I do not have to feel ashamed. Even now, while my heart is still heavy with sadness and loss, I can try again.

So I am trying.

Would you try to fall pregnant again after having a miscarriage?

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.
 

We live in a world where facts and fiction get blurred
In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. For 14 free days, you can have access to a world of in-depth analyses, investigative journalism, top opinions and a range of features. Journalism strengthens democracy. Invest in the future today. Thereafter you will be billed R75 per month. You can cancel anytime and if you cancel within 14 days you won't be billed. 
Subscribe to News24
Voting Booth
Gauteng DA leader Solly Msimanga says the party's voters want it to explore conditional coalition talks with the ANC. 
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
It's a step in the right direction. An ANC-DA coalition would be the most stable option for SA
33% - 2854 votes
The DA should focus on working with all opposition parties, including the EFF, to unseat the ANC
15% - 1265 votes
The DA should rather remain in opposition than form a coalition with the ANC or the EFF
52% - 4522 votes
Vote
Rand - Dollar
17.09
-0.4%
Rand - Pound
20.66
-0.0%
Rand - Euro
17.80
-0.0%
Rand - Aus dollar
11.54
-0.0%
Rand - Yen
0.12
-0.0%
Gold
1,754.60
0.0%
Silver
21.61
0.0%
Palladium
1,856.61
0.0%
Platinum
984.00
0.0%
Brent Crude
83.63
-2.0%
Top 40
66,754
-0.0%
All Share
73,151
+0.0%
Resource 10
71,441
-0.1%
Industrial 25
87,347
-0.2%
Financial 15
16,370
+0.4%
All JSE data delayed by at least 15 minutes Iress logo
Editorial feedback and complaints

Contact the public editor with feedback for our journalists, complaints, queries or suggestions about articles on News24.

LEARN MORE