A baby after miscarriage


Losing my baby was not something I planned for; not something I expected. So how do I know when we should start trying again?

I knew that we would try to fall pregnant again from the moment I got the sad news from my gynae. Not for a replacement – there is no such thing – but the reasons my husband and I want a baby are still the same. They are still valid. So we will try.

But when?

I asked my gynae. She tapped with a finger against the side of her head, “When your mind is ready”. Not the answer I had anticipated. I was waiting for a schedule, a plan. Something like: drink folic acid every day, eat all your green vegetables, walk 2km backwards while singing the national anthem and come see me in six months. I wanted a time, something I could do. Even if it seemed silly.

My confused expression must have tipped her off.

She explained. In my case it was not my body that caused the miscarriage. Physically I was fine. Healthy. Yes, she would like me to have a normal cycle to use as a benchmark, but other than that, my body was not standing in my way. It was my head.

Well, my head did not want to hear it.

How could I be healthy if I couldn’t carry my baby to term? There must be something wrong with me. I wanted something to be wrong. Something I could fix, so that it did not happen again. Once again my expression gave me away. “When you have those thoughts, call me. I will tell you why it’s not true,” she said.

My mind has to be ready and no amount of my snapping fingers will do the trick. This brought me to even more questions: how do I know when my mind can handle another pregnancy? How does my emotional mind tell when it’s ready?

- Is it when I forget?
- Is it when I stop crying?
- Is it when I am able to delete the expected due date, that will never be, from my calendar?

Luckily for me, the answer to the last three questions is: no. I don’t have to throw the calendar out. I am allowed to cry. I can remember. It will always be true that I lost my baby; I do not have to put this from my mind. This baby deserves a spot in my heart.

But I am also allowed to try again because I did nothing wrong. I do not have to feel ashamed. Even now, while my heart is still heavy with sadness and loss, I can try again.

So I am trying.

Would you try to fall pregnant again after having a miscarriage?

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.

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