"I still cry for my babies"

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"We have a beautiful 2-year-old toddler whom I had after a pretty healthy and blessed pregnancy in 2014. We waited until he turned one, then started planning our second baby and sibling to our beautiful boy.

Read: Liziwe: "No-one wanted to hear about my miscarriage"

"As God and luck was on our side we fell pregnant almost immediately. But something was very different with the second pregnancy. I had pain in my left side, which I can not describe. We just ascribed it to round ligament pain at first.

"Unfortunately a month later, during my first scan, we learned that our baby's heart had stopped. We were about 11 weeks then. Of course our doctor tried to explain to me that in most cases there was nothing that I could have done to stop us from losing our sweet angel child. But I was devastated. Blamed myself. Felt I had failed my husband and our son. Fortunately I have a loving husband and he did not blame me once. 

"We decided we wanted to start trying again immediately after the miscarriage. But I still had the ache in my left side. I started physio in February, which helped, but it did not quite go away. In May 2016 we fell pregnant but a week later I started bleeding again.

"The doctor prepared us and said if the bleeding continued, the possibility of losing that pregnancy would be high. The bleeding did get heavier and we lost another precious blessing at 5 weeks. 'Devastation' doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling then.

"It seemed as if 2016 just wasn't our year. The doctor warned us not to try again since he wanted to run some tests and do a laparoscopy once I was better. It was as if our luck ran out on us.

"Two weeks after the second miscarriage I experienced excruciating pain in my lower pelvic region. I went to my GP who, after another positive pregnancy test, sent me for scans. These showed nothing and they suspected endometriosis. The gynaecologist had blood work done however and I found that I had an ectopic pregnancy.

Read: How to deal with a miscarriage

"Did I mention I was beyond devastated earlier? I was going through the five phases of grieving all at one time. Before being rushed in for an emergency operation, I burst our crying. Why was this happening to us? Why did God hate me so much to let me go through this for a third time in one year? I had nothing. No answers, just questions and confusion with a lot of pain.

"Needless to say I hated my life, my body, my role as a wife and a woman. I started ignoring friends, colleagues, and family members who were expecting and able to carry their babies full term.  

"Everywhere I went, women had baby bumps. It was as if I attracted them to me. I started hating shopping. Had counselling, but being in a similar profession felt that even I could counsel myself better. Nobody understood what I was going through.

"In August the doctor did a laparoscopy and found that I had endometriosis in two spots. This explained my pain during ovulation and also partly explained my miscarriages. Fortunately it was not so severe that it affected my fertility. There was still hope for us.

Read: ‘I lost my baby’

"It took me the last half of 2016 to overcome my depression and to accept what had happened. Every time I think about my dear babies I still cry for them. And I thank my husband and child for pulling me through. Making me feel worth it when I didn't think of myself in that way. Loving me when I felt unworthy of it.

"I'm getting my life back. I'm loving myself again. We take it day by day and we're getting there. We are staying positive. I believe that God only gives you what you can handle to test your faith in Him. And throughout my many conversations with Him I get my answers and the reassurance that He is listening to me. Hopefully one day, someday, we'll be able to have our dream come true.  

"I also want to say to other women going through this that you are not alone. There are women out there who knows your pain. We keep you in our prayers."  

Have you experienced a miscarriage? Did you suffer from depression afterwards? Share your journey with us by emailing chatback@parent24.com and we may publish your story (anonymously).

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