"I read this story this morning, and it resonated with me so deeply, because I went through exactly the same thing.
On 21 May 2019 we found out we were pregnant. We live in a time where it is so simple and convenient to find out even before you have missed your period that you are pregnant.
Early detection home tests even tell you in words now: 'pregnant'. How amazing! For the first two weeks we kept it quiet, just enjoying the thought of becoming parents. I went for blood tests to confirm, and those came back positive.
Eventually our excitement got the most of us and we told our closest friends and family. Everyone was excited with us!
Our days started to fill with all the ideas of buying baby things, of researching baby names and wondering how our fur babies would react to the new addition to our little family.
I started to experience all the symptoms. I was exhausted and nauseas beyond measure, which according to the internet were all good signs. We scheduled our first gynae appointment and could not wait for that first scan.
'I don't think I will ever forget the look on the doctor's face'
The day finally came, and we excitedly jumped in the car one morning in June. I was a little nervous not knowing what to expect. With the overwhelming nausea I hoped the doctor could prescribe something to ease the symptoms. We had planned to spend the day together afterwards, celebrating hearing our babies heartbeat.
We arrived at the doctor's office and waited to be called in. We went in, talked a little and then it was time for the scan! I don't think I will ever forget the look on the doctor's face. She said something did not look right, and asked that I go empty my bladder and we would look again. She looked again, and then the news came: "Unfortunately it's not good news."
"Your amniotic sac is there, but it is empty. The embryo started to develop but at some stage it just stopped. It is called an anembryonic pregnancy, and unfortunately it is a type of miscarriage".
I got dressed.
She talked some more but I was not taking anything in. I was just confused and sad. I was sent for blood tests to confirm. I cried when the nurse took my blood and I explained to her that it was not to confirm the pregnancy but the opposite.
We went home and just spent the day feeling sad, angry, and confused. I could not tell anyone at that time. My wonderful husband phoned my parents, and his, to tell them the sad news. They were just as confused and devastated.
'I needed it to be over'
I ended up having to go for a uterus evacuation the following Friday.
My hCG levels were abnormally high which apparently did not make sense and in order to avoid a possible missed ectopic pregnancy, the gynae thought it safer to rather do the procedure. I also preferred it.
Having to walk an extra week and a half still feeling pregnant and experiencing all the symptoms was long enough. I needed it to be over.
I told my close friends that it felt like a cruel and unusual punishment. Having to deal with the emotional pain while still feeling nauseas, bloated and exhausted was indescribable and not something anyone should have to go through.
During that week I found it difficult to actually experience my emotions, because the physical symptoms were overwhelming.
Friday finally came. We had to get up before 5 a.m. to be at the hospital before 7. We checked in, I got changed into one of those terrible hospital gowns that make you feel exposed and vulnerable and waited. The procedure went well.
I cried as I came out of anesthesia. One thing I truly appreciated on the day was having an entirely female medical team.
From the gynae, anesthesiologist and all the nurses. It felt slightly more comforting I thought than had it been a room full of men who had no idea what I was going through.
When I cried I was comforted and reassured.
We left the hospital around 11 and went for breakfast. From all the meds I was pain-free and nausea-free and could finally eat whatever I wanted. We went home and spent the rest of the day cuddling on the couch.
Luckily my husband was off and we had the opportunity to spend some time together. On the Sunday I developed a bad reaction to the medication and had to go to my GP on Monday.
She booked me off work for another 3 days to recover.
What we had gone through finally hit me and I cried. I cried so much. I felt alone, and sad and finally decided to go speak to a counselor. It helped.
Just to talk about what we went through and how I was feeling. I had thought that perhaps I am being overly emotional, and that me feelings were unfounded.
But her reassurance of how traumatic it is, put me at ease and has allowed me to feel my emotions.
'Some days are easier than others'
It has been a little over 2 months now since we first found out. I have been taking it day by day. Some days are easier than others.
Seeing pregnant women and babies is still something I find difficult.
People have told me things like 'at least it happened early', 'it wasn't really a baby yet', 'you can try again', 'at least you know you can get pregnant', 'it just wasn't meant to be'. I hate all of these responses.
Just because it happened early does not take away from our loss. Just because we can have another baby, does not make us feel less sad.
To every woman who has gone through this experience, you are not alone. You are allowed to grieve. You lost your baby regardless of what anyone says.
Take your time to come to terms with what happened, however long that might take."
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