'We're left to deal with the emotional toll on our own': Reader shares 'double heartbreak' after miscarrying

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'No woman should be told how to grieve, when to grieve or for how long'. (Justin Case/Getty images)
'No woman should be told how to grieve, when to grieve or for how long'. (Justin Case/Getty images)

Inspired by the courage of celeb mom Chrissy Teigen who recently shared with the world the heartbreaking loss of her third child through miscarriage, this reader wrote to Parent24 to tell her story. 

She shares how insensitive comments can make the burden even heavier to bear and how women are expected to suffer in silence when they miscarry. 

Read her touching letter below. 


I was 7 weeks and 5 days when I miscarried. My baby had a heartbeat and then it stopped. The day we found out our baby’s heart had stopped beating, we found out that there was a twin that also hadn’t made it.

Double heartbreak, especially when I had always wanted twins even though the twin gene doesn’t run in our family. 

I had to endure comments like, ‘you can always try again’, ‘did you send the sample off to find out the real reason’, ‘you’re high-risk because of your age’, ‘it wasn't really a baby yet', ‘at least it happened now, rather than later’.

I’m 38 and I deserve to be pregnant just as much as someone who is 25, my age has nothing to do with why I miscarried. 

My baby had a heartbeat, so who are you to tell me it wasn’t really a baby yet and why would my early loss be any easier or less heartbreaking to cope with than a loss later. The most insensitive comments often come from close family, the ones we hope and expect to offer the most love and compassion. 

'We don’t need society to badger us with insensitive questions'

We as women keep quiet because we are already dealing with the all-encompassing and consuming grief and loss, in my case it hit me like a ton of bricks a month later.

We don’t need society to badger us with insensitive questions when all we really want to hear are kind and loving words while we are falling apart. We also like to wait till that pivotal 3-month mark before we scream it to the world, but some of us don’t even reach that mark when we miscarry early. 

I struggle to be around pregnant woman and babies and so many of us after miscarrying feel disconnected from ourselves.

Yes, we do blame ourselves for the miscarriage but, as women, we often blame ourselves for failed marriages, failed relationships, weight-gain or weight-loss, not looking perky enough or just not measuring up to societies standards, whatever that is. 

ALSO READ | 'Nobody knows what to say to you when you've had a miscarriage' - A reader shares her moving story

'There is no follow-up for the unseen symptoms'

I can say this, everyone's pregnancy loss is as important as a birth, whether you were 7 weeks or 25 weeks. I read an article wherein a midwife said, "a miscarriage is a birth, but with a different outcome". 

The physical, emotional and psychological effects of miscarriage that a woman endures are excruciating and no woman should be told how to grieve, when to grieve or for how long.

Often we are treated by our gynaes purely from the physical aspect, in my case I had to undergo a D&C, but women aren’t treated on an emotional and psychological level after their loss, there is no follow-up for the unseen symptoms.

Instead, we are left to deal with the mental and emotional toll on our own in a lonely and isolated way. 

ALSO SEE | 'There was nothing I did or could have done to prevent it': A reader shares her heartfelt experience of miscarriage

'To every woman out there who has gone through a miscarriage, you are a warrior'

There will be good days and bad days, possibly even good weeks and bad months, and it doesn’t get better but it does get easier to talk about your loss without falling into a million pieces.

To every woman out there who has gone through a miscarriage, you are a warrior and an incredible human being deserving of love, grace, compassion and dignity! 

Regards, Nadia (A mother who never got to meet her twins)

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