The ‘joys’ of pregnancy

Oh, pregnancy. The rounded belly, the glowing skin, the luscious hair… the fat ankles, the flatulence, the piles.

You want your baby so much, but the first and third trimesters of pregnancy are not for sissies. Those of you who sailed through without needing to wear maternity clothes, you aren’t part of this discussion; we’re having a pity party and you’re not invited.  

Speaking too soon

Just as you mention that you haven’t had any nausea week 6 arrives. Your mouth tastes like you’ve run tinfoil across a filling, you wish you could vomit but nothing comes up. You try every kind of folk remedy that exists – peppermint, ginger, dry food, sipping water, lollipops. It all works for an hour or two – And. Then. Just. Stops. 

You crawl into work bleary eyed with wild hair to have someone say “its just 3 months and then you’ll be fine” the hormones are making you crazy, previously mild-mannered you snaps, “Have you ever vomited for 3 months solid?” Now you’ve tempted fate and the vomiting starts. All day. All night. Eating helps but nothing will stay down. You don’t lose weight. It keeps piling on while your neighbour gleefully tells you she didn’t put any on until 14 weeks.

Finally you give in and get a prescription. It reduces the vomiting, but the nausea stays. You tell yourself the next hour will be easier. A soon to be ex-friend admonishes you none too gently - she just toughed it out and wasn’t going to put her baby at risk by taking medicine.  

And your boobs. If someone disturbs the air waves 5 metres away they hurt.  

Eventually it’s the second trimester. You float around like a fairy, feeling pregnant and beautiful and happy. Now you know why everyone loves being pregnant. You adore your little bump and wear clothes to show it off as well as you can. Five colleagues feel the need to dent your ego by pointing out you’re putting on weight and don’t seem able to see that you’re obviously pregnant. You have a little cry.

Clothes shopping? No thanks!

You had these marvellous ideas about wearing leggings and swing tops when you realise the tops are taut across the front of your body. Off to the shops you go, oh the fun of heading to the maternity section. No, this can’t be right, who wears these 50-year-old fashions? Finally you find something half decent, only to discover that store buyers don’t seem to have actually measured them on pregnant women.

A word to the wise shop buyers: pregnant women want to wear clothes that are fashionable in this decade and which are vaguely modelled on a human shape. Thank you. That is all.  

And then the third trimester hits. You’re adjusting waist bands at lunch time while you watch your stomach grow. An occasional dribble of wee escapes – and you’re so blasé that you tell people. You start wishing for contractions to start. Finally you just accept you’ll be pregnant for the rest of your life. You’ve never been this tired before. Now you’ve tempted fate…

Was your pregnancy a breeze or a battle?

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