Coach Tank's team talk

SPort24 columnist Tank Lanning (File)
SPort24 columnist Tank Lanning (File)
Look okes, I know some of you think Canberra is a bit of a pit, but it is a hell of a lot better than being in Christchurch having to face the Crusaders! I am not sure if being appointed Wallaby coach messed with Ewen’s mind, or if he had been smoking a little tik, but my oath, those Reds did us a favour by pipping the 'Tahs to take fifth spot on the log to face the 'Saders...

But let’s give Jake his due manne... the oke might apply for every coaching job out there, but he can probably feel a little aggrieved at losing out to Ewen in this last set of interviews...
Perhaps that bloody racist firing of Mickey had something to do with it... Who knows?

The kid can coach... these Brumbies were pretty damn kuk in 2011, finishing second last... and now look at them! World Cup medals don’t grow on trees, and Jake has one! And he will be pretty damn keen to show the Wallaby selectors a bit of middle finger!

He is big on abrasive, defensive Test match type rugby, though... on average, they have let through only 18.4 points per game this season, which is second only to the Stormers' 18.3...

Perhaps that should be Jake’s next port of call, come to think of it... there is no way in hell he would have forked out the big bucks for Elton! Hey Johann, no giggling meneer... this is serious stuff man!

Speaking of the Stormers though... hell we had a mare against them down in Cape Town! You okes came back from playing with the Boks and thought you were wearing your undies outside your Judrons, trying to take them on up front in the lineouts and scrums, instead of play our traditional game. The end result was that they did their basics right, tackled well, and suffocated us out the bladdy game!

That tape will be like porn for Jake! I bet you he watches it three times a day! And he has a team that will be trying to do exactly the same to us. Look, we need to up our game come scrum and lineout time, but all we need is parity, and from there we need to play the game that got us here in the first place!

Like that fat bastard Lanning says almost every week on Sport24... defence will get you to the finals, but attack will win it... and we played SA Schools together back when FW was still in charge, so he might know just a little bit... Willie - no need to be the hero every play, but let’s be the side that uses attack to win this game, rather than defence not to lose it!

Rob and Piet... I know you okes are eyeing so called greener pastures, but please know that Toyota have offered to put proper takkies and extra high Emu suspensions on your double cabs if you stay. This is your home boys... let’s finish strong!

Heinrich... I actually do not know what more you can do to change Heyneke’s mind... you must have farted something terrible at a Meyer family lunch... before you head to Japan, though, you have yet another chance to prove your worth. This George Smith is the real deal my friend. He can play. No pressure... but we need you to win this battle... end of story.

Coenie... I know you think you can play tighthead, and both Os and Heyneke think you can play tighthead... but I don’t. You are an incredible loosehead who does damage with ball in hand. No slipping down that left hand side of Alexander though - head for his chest, and look to crack ribs. Give me 55 minutes of your best rugby ever, and then Trevor gets his shot.

Lourens, you are getting the full 80 meneer. No frills please... just a rock solid right shoulder on our ball, and a clever little wheel on theirs.

Manne, three games to glory. Basics right, defence gutsy and in your face like the Kings, but play the game as you see it. If it’s on it is on, no matter where you are on the field. All we have to do is score more points than they do...
Tank is a former Western Province tighthead prop who now heads up Tankman Media, and sprouts forth on all things rugby on the Front Row Grunt

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