- The conversation of staying for bad sex has always been an awkward topic.
- It always leaves one feeling conflicted- leave? cheat or teach?
- 5 woman share their experiences with bad sex in relationships.
Imagine meeting your Prince Charming who is perfect in every way. Tall, dark and handsome — with a summer body all year round — and then when it’s time to do the deed, you realise that ‘happily ever after’ was just a scam! Intimacy is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship, but should you break up if the sex is bad? We asked some of our readers, and this is what they had to say...
Samantha Langa*, 30, Copy Writer
“I definitely would not stay for bad sex. I believe that sex is about the two people having it, and what they bring to the bedroom. If I’m the only one who is skilled, then I’m bound to get bored. Last year, I dated a guy who was loving in every way and paid attention to every little thing I cared about. I like that in a man, but things were not so great in the bedroom. We’d be having sex and I would be dying inside at how bad it was — I survived on faking my pleasure [chuckles]. We later spoke about it, and I coached him on what I liked done during sex. I did that for a while, but I quickly got bored because it felt like I was now barking orders. That was definitely not for me! I feel like some people become different when it’s time for intimacy, and this is what I call their “bedroom personality”. If your bedroom personality is not exciting enough, for me, then I’m not going to stick around. This will affect our relationship because I’m going to look for that excitement elsewhere. With that said, we should keep in mind that personalities can’t be bought.”
Dakalo Nemasetoni, 23, Journalist
“I wouldn’t leave. Thankfully, I haven’t been in a situation like that before, and I pray to God that I don’t experience it. I don’t deny the fact that intimacy is much stronger when you’re sexually compatible, but I wouldn’t ditch a guy over bad sex because I believe that if the communication lines are open, then we can definitely talk our way to having better sex. If your partner does something you don’t like during sex, you should gently communicate this. You should also praise them when they’re doing something you like. Open and honest communication can help improve your sex life.”
Nonkululeko Matewane*, 25, Multimedia journalist
“I would definitely stay for bad sex. I have stayed before [chuckles]! I stayed because I loved the guy. I feel that it’s hard to find genuinely nice guys, and when you find one and the sex is bad, you stay! If you have a strong connection with someone, you should at least try to compromise when it comes to sex. The love in a relationship should make up for everything else. I must admit though that I have major regrets, now, because our relationship didn’t work out for reasons unrelated to sex. Given that my staying for bad sex didn’t pay off, I wish I had been more vocal about our sex life!”
Dipuo Mbeki*, 33, Musician
“I would leave. Where do I even start? My worst encounter was the first time I had sex. He was rough, so it was painful. As time went on, I became used to it but I could tell that this was probably the worst sex I’ll ever have. He didn’t know how to set the mood or interpret body language. He rushed through everything, not to mention that he had a huge penis! So, I got out of that relationship running. My second experience with bad sex was in my recent relationship. I was a lot more experienced than the person I was dating. I was only the second woman he’d ever slept with. At first, I thought this was a lie, but after having sex with him, I figured that it might be true. Most times, I’d be the one initiating physical interaction — from hugging and cuddling to kissing and sex. At first, it was exciting because it was all new to me — I was mostly used to being submissive in the bedroom. But I got bored after a while because I needed my mind to be blown away for a change, without always having to tell him what to do and how to do it. Teaching becomes annoying, especially when you have to do it every single time. He also had a low sex drive, which made me feel like a freak of sorts for always wanting more.”
Thami Makgabo*, 29, Chef
“Never! I would leave. Sex in a relationship is really important to me. I love having sex, so if it’s bad, then I’ll completely lose interest in that person and my feelings for them will disappear. I know this because, for the longest time, I had a crush on someone. We had known each other for a long time, and never tried being in a relationship. So, you can imagine my excitement when we finally decided to start seeing each other. He was handsome, the conversations were great and the chemistry even better. However, the sex was shocking. How could someone who looked that good and with whom I had a great emotional connection not know how to move in bed? I don’t want to lie, I was so heartbroken by the fact that the sex was bad. I felt cheated and defeated all at once [chuckles]. I knew that we could have created something special, but I just could no.
Relationship expert, Makabelo Motaung, offers questions to ask yourself in deciding if bad sex is a deal-breaker.
What are your non-negotiables? Where do you rate sex on your list of priorities? If it features nowhere, then you’re most likely one of those people who wouldn’t mind being in a relationship where the nookie is not good.
How in touch are you with your sexuality? The more in touch you are with your wants and desires, the more mediocre sex will affect you. If it is high on the list of your priorities, then obviously a relationship that doesn’t cater for your sexual needs won’t work for you.
What is good sex? Do you consider having an orgasm good sex, or is it based on the connection you have with that person? Communication can solve a lot of things, including bad intercourse. A lot of people settle for bad sex not because they can’t be taught, but because they are not communicating their sexual needs.How transparent are you? Openness is key. People need to invest in their physical relationships before things get to a level where they’re unhappy. Bad sex can be fixed, bad communication causes problems between couples.