According to DRUM, DJ Zinhle went on the East Coast Drive with Bongani and Mags and spoke about her relationship with both rapper AKA and TV personality Bonang Matheba after AKA reportedly cheated on Zinhle with Bonang while Zinhle was pregnant with AKA’s daughter Kairo.
AKA admitted in an interview on Real Talk with Anele that he had cheated on Zinhle while she was pregnant with his child. Bonang has never acknowledged the allegations.
Zinhle spoke about how she had to forgive everyone involved because “the longer you hold on to anger or resentment, it doesn’t affect anyone else but you,” she said.
She also said that she and Bonang are “cool” with each other even though they weren’t friends before and they’re not friends now.
Then when she was asked about her relationship with AKA now, she laughed at first and admitted later to not knowing whether or not she was still in love with him.
This led many people on Twitter to believe the two are now back together.
But whether DJ Zinhle and AKA are a couple once again or not, the most important thing here is that she’s chosen to forgive both AKA and Bonang and move past whatever feelings she may have had. Which is a lot easier said than done.
We spoke to registered relationship and family counsellor Mimi Hewett to get an idea of why forgiveness is so important and why it’s great that DJ Zinhle has decided to move past her hurt with her ex.
“Some people who forgive their partners might end up giving their partners a second chance. It obviously depends on the severity of the infidelity and also if this is a pattern that keeps on happening over and over again. It is healthy to forgive – what’s not so healthy is when we allow someone to keep on hurting us over and over again,” says Mimi.
But forgiving a person who has wronged you in this terrible way means that you’re telling them it’s okay, right? That letting go of your anger is somehow admitting to defeat? That you’re saying the cheating didn’t bother you? Mimi says no, this isn’t the case and stresses the importance of forgiveness and how good it is for you as the wronged party.
Mimi explains: “It does not mean that you condone what the person did, or that you give them permission do it again, but forgiving someone is a very important part of the healing process that needs to happen after your trust has been broken and you’ve been hurt in any way. You don’t (and probably won’t) forget what happened, but forgiving someone sets you free from the baggage of dragging the hurt with you and allows you to look towards the future and not keep getting hurt over and over again by something that happened in the past. Even if the cheaters are not sorry for what they did and never apologise; it is still important that we who’ve been wronged follow the process of forgiveness – for ourselves to heal and to be able to move on.”
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness says Mimi. It’s actually rather difficult and a sign of great strength especially if you can forgive a partner after cheating. “Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s is a choice that you make – you might never “feel” that you want to forgive the person(s) who hurt you, but making the decision allows you to move forward, without the added baggage,” says Mimi.
Mimi says it is possible to have a relationship after infidelity. She’s personally seen relationships become even stronger after one partner has cheated and the other chooses to forgive them. If the cheater is really sorry for what they’ve done and is willing to work on repairing the relationship and really wants to make it work then it is possible to move on from that bad time in your relationship. “What is also very important, is for the partner who did the cheating, to also get to a place where they can forgive themselves – especially because we are often hardest on ourselves,” says Mimi.
But Mimi also warns of setting yourself up for hurt in the long run with a partner who keeps doing the same thing over and over again. “Every relationship is obviously different and it depends on the severity and frequency of the infidelity. If your partner keeps on cheating on you and just expects you to keep on forgiving them time after time – I would probably suggest a different kind of intervention – one involving equipping the partner who’s been cheated on with the skills to break up with the “serial cheater” and to move on with their lives without that person, but even then – forgiveness is a very important part of the healing and grieving process,” she says.
So what advice does Mimi give to those who have ben hurt by their partner this way and might be seeking to move past it? “I would recommend that people go and talk to someone to help them with this process – a counsellor or someone you trust, who can look at the situation objectively. Forgiveness sometimes takes time, it doesn’t necessarily happen immediately – it’s a process and sometimes you have to forgive the same thing on a daily basis – or at least remind yourself that you have already forgiven the person, whenever you think about the incident and start getting upset or feeling hurt again.”
Mimi Hewett is a registered counsellor in Brackenfell, Cape Town. You can call her on 084 2055 723 or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit her website.
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