Sometimes I just wonder if it's all worth it. I long to feel wonderfully happy and yes, in love and currently I do not feel that in my marriage! It feels like our romance has gone out the window. All we ever talk about are the kids, what to cook, what bills to pay and what not to (due to a lack of money). The other day we had a big argument and we haven’t quite made up yet.
I read through articles like Novemberitis (I actually think I caught that bug, maybe that’s why we’re fighting so much). I read about things to do (or not to do) that will push him away (I think I’ve been doing that for a while.) I don’t even want to start reading about sex and sizzles. That will just get me depressed, as I have been for the whole day.
I start wondering if I shouldn’t maybe get myself a “skelmpie”. Maybe he will make me feel sexy, young and carefree. That idea however also doesn't appeal to me and I have no idea how to go about getting a 'skelmpie'. Internet dating sites seems sleazy. I don’t know what lurks out there on those online sites.
I have had a few men interested in me over the past few years but they just don’t match up to my hubby. I mean, if I want to cheat, the other man should at least be better in all areas right? Actually scrap that, I don't want to cheat.
It brings me back to my big question though. Is it time to move on? It’s not great living in a house where all we do is fight. Lately even in front of the kids. I do not want to criticize him every few minutes but damn it, did I marry a child? Maybe he sees me as his mother since I have to tell him what to do!
I start wondering what it would feel like to be single. Will I feel free? Go out and do whatever the hell I want? Or will I miss him? Will I be able to raise three kids on my own? At least he helps when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night (sometimes I pretend to be exhausted or have a headache so he can soothe our 1 year old daughter back to sleep. No easy task I assure you, with baby teething and all.) And well, Sundays are usually his 'potjie day', so I’ll miss that.
I can think of so many reasons why I would miss him. Just as I'm writing this the phone rings. I’ve been waiting for my husband's call the whole day. He worked somewhere where there was no phone reception.
After I spoke to him I felt relieved and happy (just a little bit, I’m still mad at him). He says he's "OK" but very hungry and can’t wait to get home. He asks what I cooked and he mentions that thinks he’ll rather stay hungry till he gets home (it's a three hour drive from where he is!). He says KFC just doesn’t compare to my home-cooked meals.
I put the phone down with a sense of relief. I guess divorce is not an option yet, and hopefully not ever because if the rational thinking side of my brain wins, I know my three girls need their daddy. And I don't think I would throw in the towel that quickly.
All that aside, somewhere deep down I think I still love him. I just have to read more articles about relationships and see if that helps!
PS: Readers, Psychologists, Advisors, please post some articles on how not to become his mother and how to get him to act like a grown up!
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