Dildo? Yes. Rose toy? Oh yes! How sex toys have given me my best orgasms ever

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Illustration by Getty Images
Illustration by Getty Images
  • Sex toys have become acceptable in society but there is still some hesitation.
  • When sex toys are mentioned in a conversation, most people assume that they are used by individuals, particularly women.
  • However, more couples are experimenting with sex toys such as dildos and rose toys to improve their sex lives.

We don't all just orgasm

I got my first sex toy when I was 25. It was a tiny bullet vibrator, and it was so cute. With its help, I learnt to orgasm properly on my own and explore my own body and what I liked. It definitely helped me to be more confident in bed.

A 2017 study found that only 18% of vulva-owning people can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration, and most of us either need to have clitoral stimulation or prefer it to penetrative sex. Sex toys can definitely help with that.

Research has shown that people who use sex toys also have a stronger desire, more lubrication and higher orgasm frequency. They are also more proactive about their sexual health.

I finally asked a partner (a straight man) to use a toy on me in bed, however, I was a few years older, and it was a sex toy or two later. He gave me a very naughty smile, got excited and told me to get the clitoral vibrator that I call Wendy.

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'Am I not enough?'

I would soon learn that this wasn't going to be the reaction I was going to get every time. I've had partners look at me in disbelief, as if I was asking them to commit a sexual crime. They then asked, "But, why? Am I not enough?".

My answer to them has always been, "It's not about you not being enough (which you are); it's about elevating both of our sexual pleasure to the best place we can take it while having fun and learning new things about each other's bodies".

Plus, "sex toy" doesn't just mean it's a vibrator that's going to be used on the woman. There are a variety of toys you can use for any gender identity and as a couple.

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There's more than one kind of toy

Blindfolds and feathers can be a great starting point before you get to nipple clamps and cock rings, which are on the way to anal play for one or both of you, or a couple's vibrator that buzzes on both your genitals and makes the orgasm great for both of you.

A sex toy is not a replacement for your partner, but a tool to be used to aid sexual pleasure for both of you.

Once I found partners who were more comfortable using toys in bed and not intimidated by them, things really went up a notch. I enjoyed using sex toys by myself but using them with my intimate partner was so much fun. It was hot, sexy, fun and interesting.

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A whole new experience

I've had my vibrator used on me and I've used it on my partners. I've used handcuffs and nipple clamps and blindfolds. I've been able to experiment with my partner and it was incredibly hot.

Toys in all their forms have only made my sexual experiences more fun, but also so much more intimate. Getting to watch your partner have an intense orgasm because you tweaked their nipples while you used a vibrator is erotic and beautiful.

Plus, I found that using sex toys takes the pressure off my partner to get me to orgasm (which shouldn't be the only goal of sex anyway). We're having so much fun using the toys and exploring each other and the sensations we're feeling that the focus isn't on just getting to climax, but the journey on the way there too.

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My current life partner said the first time he used a sex toy on me, he was interested to see what would happen next, but once he saw the results of using sex toys, he was incredibly excited.

"I thought it was going to be fun, but I didn't realise just how much I would like it," he said.

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I spoke to Dr Heather Blaylock, a medical doctor with a special interest in sexual health, for her opinion on sex toys in the bedroom.

She is a fellow of the European Committee of Sexual Medicine and is also a part of My Sexual Health (MSH), a platform that provides access to some of the most qualified sexual health professionals in South Africa.

"Great communication with your partner not only makes for great sex but makes the introduction of toys into sex play much easier," she said.

"Sex toys are to complement, enhance and add novelty to intimacy. They bring with them new sensations building on erotica and create greater scope for different positions during sex.

"There are toys that can be shared with your pleasure partner in a variety of ways, for both to experience pleasure. When it comes to choosing toys and lube, we really are spoilt for choice, and it's literally like being a kid in a candy store. Choose an accessory as your unique 'couple companion'," she added.

Plus, using sex toys is good for your brain and your other sex organs.

"Engaging in play and learning new skills are known to stimulate neural networks, and incorporating more of our senses is a powerful addition to our mix of what turns us on," Blaylock said.

"Exploring and experimenting with new safe options paves the path for invoking expressions of sensual satisfaction, joy and fun."


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