How to make headlines in a bikini

In your attempt to piece together your blotched self-esteem for the price of a Cosmopolitan magazine – remember that getting a bikini body is totally about self-improvement. Everybody loves a confident woman; a woman who doesn’t give a flying fuck about societal norms, pushes the envelope and stands for what is inherently owed to her as per the Bill of Rights. Particularly if she’s got a Christian Bale-esque appeal from The Machinist.

In fact, this apparent freedom is so boldly condoned that there now are ways to gain national attention for exercising autonomy.Take a look at the three most risquémethods to make your bikini pictures a headline.

1.    Bikinis are extra awesome if, and only if, you are a not common woman, but a British royal. They work on a much stricter clothes vs. self-respect scale.

Remember Princess Di's photo saga? She got a lot of flak for it. What a tart, walking around thinking she can wear bikinis like a slutty peasant woman. It’s no wonder Prince Whatshisface divorced her.

2.    Bikinis are extra awesome, if and only if, you’re tragically killed by your famous boyfriend. In this case, you’ll make the front cover of the Sun in the most tactful way that the world has ever seen.

The Sun’s intention with portraying Reeva like this was obviously to honour her as a human being. Their reason for choosing this bikini picture was not to trivialise Reeva Steenkamp by summarising her entire existence as bikini wearing model chick.  Thanks to the Sun, we now understand who she was, what death looks like and how she should be remembered. High-five, boys.

3.    Bikinis are extra awesome, if and only if, your family loses their shit.

I would like to thank the Beeld for the tasteful and expert coverage of this story –a level of journalistic genius that I can only dream of achieving. They have taught me that getting bikini ready this summer is a great idea. Especially if your dad kills someone; in which case you’ll make the front cover of this prestigious publication with your skanky murder-inspiring body.

Here’s the reality.
These are all women, like you and I, who simply live that thing called life. They chose to wear a bikini, because that’s what they chose for whatever reason they chose it. And they are allowed to because we’re told that we now live in a society where women can choose what they want to do - because human rights.

But just don’t forget that there’s a standard of beauty that needs to be respected. So you go to the gym and eat cabbage soup for a month to be able to walk down Camps Bay and accumulate cat calls. And the world loves it! Except for when they don’t. On the sideline, publications who advocate honourable content used this very ‘freedom’ concept as a tool to bring into question the integrity of each of the women in this post.

Interesting how the idea of getting a bikini-body is something women are expected to aspire to. Except when they do wear an actual bikini, it’s not all that kosher either. Autonomy is a double-edged sword it seems – get ready to enjoy first world freedom while simultaneously being a Slutty McSlutface. If you squint hard you may see some bullshit encrusted irony.

Bottom line, ladies: Work hard to get that perfectly pinched bikini body that will validate you as a human being of the female variety. But in order to get the most out of the days you’ve spent running on that Virgin Active hamster wheel, make sure you experience some kind of intense tragedy. That way, your bikini-wearing ass will not only be noticed, but appreciated on a national scale.

Follow Malini on Twitter and read more on her blog.

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