5 questions to ask when choosing a life partner

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Compatibility is the best foundation you can give a relationship.
Compatibility is the best foundation you can give a relationship.
Photo: Carlos Barquero/Getty Images
  • Relationship architect Shelley Lewin outlines 5 questions you need to answer before choosing a life partner.
  • Compatibility is the best foundation you can give a relationship, but it is "best assessed using your logic, intellect or brain."
  • Love will not make a marriage work "when the wedge of incompatibility has you drowning in resentment". 


It is often said that "the heart always knows what it wants", but it doesn't make the greatest choices.

If you have been in love, you will know that your feelings will likely take over, leaving little for logic. 

In her blog about 'Shopping for a Partner', Relationship architect Shelley Lewin says you don't want your heart and mind at war with one another when choosing a life partner.

READ MORE | 7 brutally honest questions to ask when going into the dating scene according to an expert

"Compatibility is the best foundation you can give a relationship. It is best assessed using your logic, intellect or brain. When the chemistry boxes above are checked, and we fall in love, emotions run high. We assume love is enough. It is not."

Shelley says love alone isn't enough because love is unconditional, but relationships are not. 

"We fall out of love quickly and painfully when we are not well matched in the long-term. We can love people who bring out the best in us and love people who bring out the worst in us.

"Love is not going to make a marriage work when the wedge of incompatibility has you drowning in resentment," she adds that things like a shared lifestyle and common values keep a marriage together.

READ MORE | Get hooked up: Relationship expert shares 4 keys to successful connections for singles

According to her, these are 5 questions you need to answer before choosing a life partner:

  • How do you like to spend your time? - Align with someone who respects/appreciates/enjoys similar things.
  • What do you always have money for? - Align with someone who at the very least agrees with that.
  • What are the things you always have energy for? - Align with someone who at the very least respects that.
  • Who are the people that contribute positively to your life? - Align with someone who supports those relationships.
  • What creates meaning in your life- where do your passions lie? - Align with someone who encourages you to live passionately and follow your dreams. 

Shelley Lewin is the founder of The Relationship Architect Coaching and Consulting. She has been designing bespoke processes for intra-personal and inter-personal development since 2006.


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Yes, it's important in order to create a family unit and for companionship
23% - 1178 votes
Not at all. Being single is far more liberating
9% - 456 votes
There is no general answer to this, it's each to their own
49% - 2540 votes
Yes, society still frowns on unmarried people, especially women
1% - 68 votes
It depends on whether you are able to find a compatible partner
18% - 916 votes
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