Are we in love, or friends with benefits?


To catch up on the series, read Love, sex, drama and self-discovery: The escapades of Violet Online, as well as chapters: 37, 38, 39, 40 and 41.

I’ve met this guy. We’ve been on several dates, we get on fantastically, and if nothing else, we’re becoming really good friends.

But he is adamant we are not having a relationship. On our first date he told me he did 'not want a relationship.' And every time we go out he reminds me of this.

I find it interesting. He clearly likes me. We have a ton in common, loads to talk about and there is definitely an attraction. 

I know this, because he is very keen to see me, take me out for lunch and dinner, to the theatre and movies.  He calls me all the time, and has fairly often said:

'Dear sweet Violet, I’m going mad over here, can we please have sex?'

I’m not as keen as him on the sex bit, even though I’m dying to, because THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP VIOLET! 

I figure if he just wants sex, he can easily find it elsewhere, and also because I’m trying to get my head around the 'no relationship' bit.

We’ve kissed. We haven’t done much more than that because I’m holding back. But…

We’re having a relationship. 

It’s a bit more than a friendship, it isn’t boyfriend / girlfriend, but it is a relationship.

So why this intense denial?  What is he so scared of?

I don’t want to ask him, mostly because he makes it very clear that he doesn’t want to talk about it, and mostly because I don’t want to push him. Yet.  And I don’t know what I want either, long term.

It makes everything awkward. I don’t know what to call him. I bumped into him in a coffee shop the other day. 

He was alone, I was with my girlfriends. He said hi, kissed me hello with a friendly peck on the cheek, and I introduced him to my friends. And then he went to sit in a corner on his own.

Of course afterwards they all said:-

Oh Violet, he’s perfect.

Jeez, talk about good looking.

Wow, he seems like a really nice guy.

And of course - 

Are you dating him?

I said he was just a friend.  But I felt a little bit sad saying it because I feel he is more than a friend.


If I hear those words one more time, I may have to throw up. I think that if I sleep with him, then we become friends with benefits, which is maybe what he is aiming for, and I don’t want that.

I decided to take him on this morning, about what a relationship means.

'We’re friends aren't we?'.   

Yes, he answered.

'We enjoy one another, don't we?' 

Yip, he nodded. 

'We’ve kissed and done some feeling up, and it was good, no?' 

'Very', he answered.

'We’re planning on spending a few days together soon on a weekend away?'

Yes, he said with some excitement. I can’t wait.

'So,' I said.  'We’re kind of having a relationship.'

No. He went a little pale. A lot pale. We’re not. 

So what constitutes a relationship, is what I would like to know. Because we have relationships all the time, with the broom sellers, shopkeepers, friends, family, and of course, lovers.

So, back to the beginning. When I bumped into him, with my friends, I wanted to show him off proudly.  But I held back because he has told me so clearly we are not having a relationship.  

But dammit, I kiss my friends. hello! And I would certainly kiss my lover - hello! And he fits somewhere in between that. And I think I should have REALLY kissed him. And next time I bump into him, I’m going to.

I think we have a relationship. Whatever that means. 

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