"I'm in love with a married man and I'm not sure I want to end things"

Woman standing with a cup of coffee besides the window
Woman standing with a cup of coffee besides the window

26-year-old Talia had been dating Sandile for two years before she found out the 39-year-old was actually married. While she realises morally she should distance herself from him, emotionally she can't get herself to walk away.

This is her story:

I first met Sandile while having a drink with my friend, he had sent a friend of his to come and ask me for my cellphone number, to which I politely declined because I thought it was pathetic that he didn't come himself. A few minutes later he was standing in front of me covered in what looked like beer.

He then explained that the waiter had spilled a drink on him and he didn't have the confidence to come talk to me like that, but because of his determination I rewarded him with my number, thinking if he turned out to be a creep I could honestly just block him.

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However, Sandile turned out to be the perfect gentleman. We went on numerous dates and he didn't try to kiss me or act forward, the way most men I've met do. He seemed patient and understanding of my need to get to know him before we actually got into a relationship.

He is everything I want in a man - hard working, patient, mature and ambitious. My dream man.

I appreciated that about him.

Eventually I gave in to his charm and allowed him to scoop me off my feet and everything was bliss. Sandile is a very wealthy man and he definitely knows how to spoil a girl. While I don't buy into a relationship built around luxury and material things, I enjoy getting spoilt.

After all he's my man, so why not?

We spend a lot of time together, but because he is a businessman I would never question business trips that took weeks at a time or him not answering his phone at certain times. He works really hard, so I never had any suspicions.

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The fact that he would allow me to visit and stay over at his apartment whenever I liked was another contributing factor to how much I was able to trust him.

After a two week trip to Bali, a brand new car, romantic dates and heartfelt pillow talk, I honestly fell in love with Sandile. He is everything I want in a man - hard working, patient, mature and ambitious. My dream man.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to get married, I had already planned the whole thing by the time I was thirteen, all I needed was my prince charming and I was good to go. Finally, I found him, my Sandile.

We've been dating for quite sometime, just over two years and we're so perfect together. "Why not bring up marriage?" I thought to myself after spending another incredible weekend together, and even though I was nervous about how he'd react, I dared myself to bring up the conversation.

"Baby", I said, "We've been together for quite some time and I love you, you love me, we're not getting any younger, why don't we get married?" 

He didn't seem as surprised as I expected him to be.

"We will get married," he told me, but left out the when part. Because I know him well and could tell he wasn't about to entertain me, so I didn't press the issue.

A few months down the line and I ask him again. This time, I let him know that I'm not joking and that I would really like to start a family. I'm nearly 27 and don't want to wait to long before I settle down.

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That's when he sat me down and told me the most unbelievable thing. He is married.

As he explained his 10-year-long "unhappy" marriage to me, he had tears in his eyes. But that was nothing compared to the stream that was flowing from mine. 

My heart was crushed and I felt as if the knot in my stomach would never be loosened again. I went home and didn't speak to him for a month thereafter. All the while he kept on sending me texts, trying to call me, sending flowers and gifts to my workplace.

As hurt as I was, I missed my man. And so eventually I gave in and agreed to meet with him. He begged me not to leave and cried in my arms. I cried too. 

After we had composed ourselves, the promises that he will leave her for me and that he loves me more and doesn't want to leave me came pouring in.

Although it took a while, I have forgiven him.

It's been 10 months and there is no more talk of leaving the wife, but I love him too much to leave. At this point I don't know what to do.

Have you or a friend ever found yourself having to make a very difficult decision? Chat to us here and let us know how you handled it.

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Yes, it's important in order to create a family unit and for companionship
23% - 938 votes
Not at all. Being single is far more liberating
9% - 376 votes
There is no general answer to this, it's each to their own
49% - 2058 votes
Yes, society still frowns on unmarried people, especially women
1% - 58 votes
It depends on whether you are able to find a compatible partner
18% - 733 votes