'My friend is dating a man who's hiding her and flirts with other women. I'm tired of her vents'

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Illustration photo by Getty Images
Illustration photo by Getty Images
  • Martha Manuel* is tired of listening to her friend vent about a man she has been dating secretly for two years.
  • She says the boyfriend is playing her, and it is "a no brainer".
  • Relationship expert Paula Quinsee shares how important it is for friends to be honest to each other when feeling emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted by their friends.


Being a good friend means you will have phases where you have to support a friend who does not always see things the same way as you or doesn't listen to the advice you give them.

This is often the case when love is concerned. A friend may be so blinded by love that giving them advice can seem like a waste of time and energy. 

Martha Manuel* is frustrated with her best friend, who is being played by a man she loves. Her friend has been secretly dating a church leader for two years. 

READ MORE | Why do we put up with bad friends? A friendship expert answers

"She believes the holy spirit is talking to her and telling her he is the one. I do see why she is so attracted to him, though. He is handsome and appears to be a very distinguished leader. He is the leader of several churches and has his own company and several properties. My friend is currently living in one of his houses. This man is very arrogant, rude, controlling and selfish," the friend says.

Martha has listened to how this man flirts with other women at the church and does not understand why her friends has been a secret after two years of dating.

"He uses the excuse that he likes privacy as a reason not to tell anyone about her. I was more understanding in the beginning because his third wife died. By the way, he divorced his first two wives. I can go on and on," Martha says. 

"He does not pour into her spiritually but wants to pour into her sexually. He even asked her for a threesome. I am so sick of her calling me every day complaining about him. Love is blind. I feel this is a no brainer." 

READ MORE | 'I broke up with my friend, and I've never been happier' - expert tips on ending a friendship

Relationship expert Paula Quinsee says family and friendships play a crucial role in our lives when it comes to our partners. It can be tough to get through to someone in love or even obsessed and wrapped up with someone who is not treating them well. However, Paula says giving honest feedback needs to be tactful and respectful in this situation.

"The person may not be aware that they are constantly venting about the same thing as they are so caught up in their world that they don't stop to consider their impact on those around them," Paula says.

Paula says being in this kind of situation can sometimes be referred to as emotional overwhelm or exhaustion and can result in decreased motivation and not wanting to be in the presence of this person because of how they make you feel.

"Constantly being exposed to a negative or toxic environment can impact our mental well-being. It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to continuously try and support someone, especially when they are caught up in their world and show little reciprocation for the other person's well-being," she explains. 

READ MORE | Problems can be hashed out with friends, but you also need to know when to get help from an expert

Paula adds that not being honest with a friend about your feelings can result in resentment growing over time. 

"We can only keep a façade up for so long before our true feelings reveal themselves in different ways such as avoiding the friend, withdrawing from discussions and making excuses," Paula says.

"If your friendship has a solid foundation, you should be able to have honest conversations with each other, knowing that it is coming from a good place and meant with care and concern."

Not her real name*

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