'The 3 of us share a bed and WhatsApp group, but no feelings' - Local couples on why they're adding a third partner


It's not that men always have to 'convince' their partners to invite a third intimate partner. Today, many women are just as comfortable with the idea.  

"If your relationship can't survive this, then that says a lot," says Kim*. She and her partner Jarrod have tried their hand at a few multi-partner sessions in the past and say it adds something to their relationship rather than subtracting from it. 

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For many, there is a lot of pressure to tick off a range of sexual experiences. And threesomes rank as the highest male fantasy according to a 2017 study.

Though we all could have guessed this, the reality is much different. Not that many men, or women for that matter, ever follow through and actively pursue the fulfillment of this fantasy, says this study.

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But more and more South African couples are experimenting with the idea of introducing a third partner to play with underneath the sheets. 

Dr Ryan Scoats, who did his PhD on multi-sex partner sexual encounters, says that threesomes are nothing new and that our mainstream idea of what threesomes entail or how it could impact on a relationship, is very skewed.

He says that, very importantly, the only reason why you should do something sexually: is because you want to do it. If a couple decides to pursue a multi-sex partner scenario, whether casual or regularly, it needs to be because they both want to. 

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A once-off threesome is one thing. But what about one that reoccurs every few weeks? That is, an organised 'arrangement' between a couple and a third. 

"It's the perfect arrangement," says Steph*. 

She and Johan have been dating for three years. After having their first-ever threesome, purely by luck one drunken evening, it led them to Tinder, where they created a profile to find a willing participant keen to join them for some future' fun'. 

In this instance, three's not a crowd. 

And not only did they match with a woman, they both found desirable, they were lucky enough to click with her as well. "For Steph and me, it's really about the sexual thrill. But it's so much better with a girl that you like to hang out with too," says Johan.

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The three of them now have a Whatsapp group and flirtingly message during work hours, seductively chatting about their next hook up.

"I send more messages to her than Johan does," says Steph*. Porn predominantly depicts women as having a lack of sexual agency in these types of arrangements, which has, over time, packaged 'threesomes' as a hedonistic fetish, only reserved for men. But women can be just as interested. Whether in a couple or not.

"I hate that so many people think that it's just the guy that wants this. I don't see myself with a woman ever, but I do like to play around with the idea. It's sexy," says Kim*. 

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But can a threesome ever be suitable for a relationship? "Absolutely. We share a bed every three weeks and a Whatsapp group, but no feelings." For Kim* and Jarred, it's not about fulfilling an emotional need in their relationship. It's pure fantasy.

Granted, it's not for everyone.

But for many couples, contrary to popular belief, it's not a source of issues - instead, it has encouraged communication between them.

Discussing and sharing sexual fantasies instead of experiencing or dreaming about it in isolation for fear that your partner might disapprove, could create a safe, rather than an insecure space.  

Remember to ALWAYS practice safe sex.

Could you share your partner without being jealous? Share your thoughts with us.

*Names have been changed

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