It’s as hard quitting scrabble as it is quitting heroin. I went back to playing and met Apoorva. From India.
His profile pic was of his white underpants. Our game went like this:
I'm here for sex, he says. Do you cyber?
It’s hot, the kids are playing monopoly, I’m lazing around in my underwear, and feel a slight tingle between my legs.
Me: Sure. You start.
Apoorva: Pretend we're in a hotel room, in Italy, getting ready to go out.
Me: K. I’m pulling a black dress over my head, putting on a pair of high heeled shoes, ready to leave.
Apoorva: You look really hot. We're walking along cobbled stoned streets, heading to the restaurant, hand in hand. You're not wearing any underwear.
Me: God, I’m feeling a little horny already.
Apoorva: I guide you to the table. We sit. Order. Your dress rides up your legs, I can see your thighs. I look you in the eye, and ask you to sit closer to me. Come. Sit closer.
Me: God. Okay. Shit, this is nice. I'm going to take off my underwear.
Apoorva: Cool. Our food arrives. You drop your fork and lean over to get it. Your ass is almost in my face. I grab it under the table.
Me: What about the other people in the restaurant? I don’t want them to see my ass.
Apoorva: They watch. I like them watching.
Me: K. Um. Can we move from the table. Let’s run up to a hotel room. Get on to the bed…
Äpoorva: You have a great ass. I feel it while you're under the table, it's big, firm, I like that. You stay under the table, turn around, your mouth...
Me: Wait. Shit. No. I can’t have cyber sex under a table. Please, let’s leave the restaurant...
Apoorva: I want you to blow me under the table.
Me: No. It feels too rough. I prefer it to be romantic. No.
Apoorva: Okay. We're leaving. We're running quickly along a dark alley, towards our room. We can’t wait. I push you against a wall...
Me: No Apoorva. Wait. I don’t want to have sex with you outdoors. Let’s get to the hotel.
Apoorva: Jesus, woman, this is just cybersex, stop being so difficult.
Me: I'm not being difficult, I mean, I’m trying not to be, but i like to be wined and dined, have some romance, not so clinical you know. Let’s leave the alley. Or at least, choose a street that’s romantic, beautiful lamps posts, the ocean nearby. Maybe we can run, through this street, arm in arm, to the hotel, romantic.
Apoorva: Fine. We're back at the hotel. Drink a glass of wine for God’s sake, then take off your clothes, lie back, open your legs.
Me: Slow down. Kiss me first, hard, on the lips, hard. My dress is falling off my shoulder, kiss my shoulder too...
Apoorva: Kiss kiss. Can we move on to fucking yet?
Me: No. I need foreplay. Come on. Run your lips over my shoulder. Gently drop my dress to the floor. Admire my French hand stitched underwear. Tell me I’m beautiful. Pick up a bottle of oil. Rub it on me, slowly, beautifully, gently...
The chat light on my laptop has gone. He disappears.
I go play monopoly with the kids…
Here are some things you should know about cyber sex:
-Everyone is doing it.
-It can be fun.
-It should only be done when teenage kids are out the house.
-And their friends.
-It should be kept to the chat box only. Film is not pretty.
-And if you call it cybersex, you are over the age of 50.
Should we all have cyber sex?
-At least once.
What should we do if our children start having cyber sex?
-Phone their father.
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