Couples should make their own rules

Princess had literally flogged me to orgasm and I was lying in her lap. A little puddle of shaky afterglow on the floor while she stroked my head and hugged me.

Those that had been watching sat around quietly, smiling approvingly as well-mannered people should do after a play at a fet party.

Actually, it wasn’t even a proper fet party, just one of the meet ‘n greets. But I’d wanted to play with Princess since she’d had her leather on me a month ago, and, when the opportunity arises, you don’t excuse yourself in favour of eating the crudités and avoiding the newbies.

In the bathroom later, I peeled away the pretty white dress I’d been wearing and looked at the marks the leather had tongued against my ribs and boobs.

This is going to be difficult to explain as “not sex”, I thought. Princess had me top naked. Her hands and mouth had been all over me. We’d kissed and I’d orgasmed.

My mind raced to the obvious stand-in counter-arguments: “She’d not touched me on my studio or used any part of her body to physically work me to orgasm. It was all simply sensation based and I just have awesome body chemistry and brain neurons and chakra alignment in a Tantric fashion that means I can orgasm off this sort of thing easily. You know.” Or something.

Uh-hum.

I thought about how Mr Man would accept those half-baked sentiments. Not very well, I had to admit to myself. Not very well at all.

In a previous conversation, I’d tried to explain to him how this sort of thing “wasn’t sex at all”. That it was just a sort of different kind of play for fun. “It is sex,” he’d stated, an eye-roll away from walking out of the conversation. “Just like getting off with your Tantra swami-whatsit is sex.”

Maybe it was just time to own up to the fact that I’ll always need to play with this sort of edge. Whether it’s called sex or not. Whether there are orgasms or not – and whether my partner is into it … or not.

“I think I’m just going to have to be one of those people who can happily go along with a very ‘normal’ sex life, as long as every now and then I get to feed this part of me,” I told Dolce afterwards on one of our prom-walk debriefing sessions. “No one person is going to be able to provide all of this.”

I finally felt like I really understood those people who indulge their ‘deviancies’ in secret, or online, without their partners ever knowing. I don’t do the secrecy – it’s not in my nature or job description – but I can see how it happens. You love Mr or Mrs Awesome, but they simply don’t get this part of you.

I’d love to argue that they’re not for you then. But, life chooses to be a bitch sometimes and isn’t all that black and white.

I’ll have to find someone who is cool with the Tantra sessions and the occasional floggings, orgasms included. It’s a big ask. But surely a bigger ask is expecting someone to be able to fulfill all these roles for you. It’s hard enough trying to find a guy I want to talk to as much as I want to fuck.

I’ve always said there’s no such thing as ‘normal’ and I’ve always said that each couple creates their own relationship model.

Looking at these whip marks, I reckon I better start taking myself seriously.

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