My instincts told me to stay away, but who really wants to stay away from a sexy 95% match on OkCupid – not to mention his hot wife?
You’re all confused, I gather, so let me start at the beginning.
I was bored two weeks ago and decided to create a profile on the dating site OkCupid. The site has this nifty little tool that shows you your “quick matches” – people you have a high percentage match with. This percentage is calculated by comparing answers to random questions.
The guy popped up first. I rated him 4 or 5 out of 5 stars. This means he’ll get a message saying I like him.
After a few 2-star, 1-star and “you don’t deserve a rating because you didn’t complete your profile” ratings, a beautiful woman’s profile popped up. I messaged her.
Skip forward some and we’re chatting up a storm. They’re actually married. She identifies as gay – took a while to wrap my head around a gay woman being married to a man but that is unimportant – and was looking for female companionship.
Skip forward again and it is the night before we are supposed to meet. We’re chatting and she raises some insecurity issues. Now when you’re meeting someone with the hopes of having a threesome or starting a polyamorous relationship, there will be insecurities.
Especially for the woman who is part of the couple.
What if he likes you more, what if he leaves me for you…questions like this will whirl around in her head.
I had the exact same insecurities when my partner and I opened our relationship, so I helped her through it.
I remembered what all the websites, books and podcasts said when I first went down this path. I shared it with her and where it might have helped at that moment something in me knew that the shit was going to hit the fan.
It takes more than a phone chat to take away insecurities. It took me close to a year of therapy to work through mine. That was a tough year!
I pushed the nagging feeling away and told myself that this woman might be much stronger than I was. Maybe our chat was all she needed to sort through any issues, I told myself. Everything will be fine, I kept thinking.
Come the night we meet and everything feels right. She’s at ease. We talk, drink Mojitos and have a good time. I enjoy their company and we truly have a lot in common. This could really work. Then, enter sex, and everything goes to hell in a hand basket.
Not during, but after. I don’t know what exactly triggered her insecurities. I actually made a decision beforehand to give her most of my attention – I wanted her to feel like the centre of what was happening because I knew anything less would get her thoughts rolling.
Looking back, I think the moments that got to her the most happened not during the sex but after – more intimate moments between me and her husband where we just relaxed on the bed and held each other.
Seeing your significant other have sex with someone else has much less of an effect on your emotions than seeing them connecting emotionally with someone else.
Anyway, she put on a brave face, but I knew it was just a facade. Hugging and kissing her bye at the car confirmed it. She was distant and I could see her over thinking, analysing.
Now, I don’t really know why I’m writing this blog.
Maybe it’s my way of sorting through what happened – figuring out what went wrong so as to avoid it in the future.
The answer is easy, I guess. I should listen to my gut. I have some experience in this, I walked this path and should be able to spot the warning signs.
Where every person is different, we are very much alike in how we deal with certain things.
Insecurities makes you want to retreat to a safe place – a place you know and have been comfortable in. In this case it is monogamy.
I know what they’ve been going through the last few days trying to figure out where to from here. I see the tears flowing down their faces because they now all of the sudden want two very different things.
She wants him to want her and only her, and he wants the world.
Someone is going to have to compromise or they’ll have to end the relationship. It’s a sad fact, but it is reality.
I wish I could fast forward and show her that if she is the one to compromise, then a year or two from now they will most probably have a better and stronger relationship. She will be secure in knowing that she is his life partner and he loves her unconditionally and everyone else is just additions to his life.
Who knows, maybe she can find herself a gay lover, that way the both of them can have the best of both worlds.
Unfortunately each of us has to walk our own path and fight our own demons. I can’t plug in and programme her to skip all the heartache and tears and get to where I am now – a point where monogamy is not an option because I have too much love to give.
Two lessons learnt:
I should follow my instincts and;
I am not as invincible as I thought.
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Have you ever tried a threesome before? Did it complicate your relationship?