And the winner is... SONA awards 2015

2015-02-13 13:45

Jamming at SONA

Like Thandi Modise’s wildly wagging digit, fingers fists and fury erupted in Parliament last night.

In the aftermath of the most talked-about State of the Nation since Nelson Mandela reached his destination, Charlotte Bauer announces her Screen of the Nation Awards (SONA) as seen on TV.

And the 2015 winners are …

Most Promising Newcomer: The EFF’s Godrich Gardee for being the first MP to stand up and be pounded by Speaker Baleka Mbete and the first one to say the words “when is he going to pay back the money?”

Surprise Scene-Stealer: DA Chief Whip John Steenhuisen for interrupting the interruptions to call for the cell signal to be unjammed before letting the EFF show go on.

Best Choreography: Speaker Baleka Mbete whose rimless eyewear bent out of shape in time to her popping eyeballs.

All Blacks Award: The DA for most coordinated wardrobe in black outfits that made them look like a cross between Italian Fascists and The Addams Family.

The Dame Judy Dench Drama Award: The IFP’s Mangosuthu Buthelezi for his dazzling improvisation about “disgusting” events and “poppycock” in the house while looking stunning in a black and gold brocade gown and red-feather fascinator.

Best Solo Performance: UDM leader Bantu Holomisa for his lone walkout to protest the manhandling of EFF members by security enforcers. “I couldn’t stomach it anymore,” said Parliament’s most ethical member.

Red Carpeted Award: The security heavies who arrived dressed like French waiters and forcibly removed everyone wearing red.

The LOL Award: President Jacob Zuma for keeping a straight face as he described the country’s “serious energy restraints” while an energetic and unrestrained punch-up was going on.

Best New Rap Lyrics:

This was a tough one for the judges thanks to the high quality of entrants in this category. The nominees are:

“Bring back the water! “ – a fed-up MP who said the guests were “hot and thirsty” after waiting more than an hour for proceedings to start

“Bring back the signal!” – lots of people

“On a point of order! On a point of privilege!” – lots of MPs

“You’re reading my mind!” – Julius Malema to Baleka Mbete when she told him to stand down because he wasn’t going to tell her anything she didn’t know

“By EFT? Cash? Or iwallet?” – Godrich Gardee asking how JZ was going to pay back the money.

And the winner is … the EFF’s Godrich Gardee!

Best bloopers: eNCA for their dazed and confused coverage and lack of commentary on the unfolding drama, leaving viewers in the dark about who was who and what was going on.

Best Foreign Language Film: the Parliamentary feed for its murky takes, narrative confusion and pretentiously long silences as the audio went down and the removals began: sub-titles please.

Most Improved: President Jacob Zuma, for showing up at all.

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