Apocalypse just now, a Mangaung Prophecy

2012-12-19 11:40

I don’t know about the Mayans, but I think someone got their “Ms” mixed up: the end of the world is actually a Mangaung Prophecy.

There is now overwhelming evidence to show that the Mayans, speaking through their ancestral negotiators via Cyril Ramaphosa, asked the ANC to finish what they started in their doomsday prophecy, seeing as they couldn’t be around to organise the apocalypse themselves.

Take a look at the facts, if you dare:

- The ANC’s Mangaung conference ends on Friday December 21, 2012, the same day that the ancient Mayan calendar runs out.

- A cleric at the plenary who said a prayer after Zuma was re-elected president, put a curse on anyone who disagrees with anything the Top Six says. In other words, the rest of the planet.

- Kgalema Motlanthe and Trevor Manuel committed political suicide just 72 hours before the Prophecy was due.

This was no spooky coincidence: why would two smart, powerful guys in the ANC cut off their own heads in public if they didn’t have inside information about the Mangaung Prophecy?

When two of the more sensible people in the ANC decide to make a run for the exit from a party that has suckled them since birth, there is definitely something more dodgy going on than Schabir Shaik’s golf handicap.

No, I reckon Motlanthe and Manuel made a call. If they only had three days left to live, they weren’t going to spend their last hours in a boiling tent Made In China with a free bottle of water listening to the national anthem sung by a woman who sounded like a bee in a bottle.

Meanwhile, a Soweto resident had just filed an urgent court application in the Constitutional Court for the appointment of an “investigative task team” to prepare for the apocalypse on Friday.

According to news reports, Robert Sefatsa, 38, had become extremely worried that the government was not taking the end of the world seriously enough. He demanded that they urgently create a new department to make preparations for “evacuation procedures, sea and air logistics, and resettlement”.

Mr Sefatsa’s frankly unhinged appeal was bound to fall on stony ground (to be known from Friday as “boney ground”, Robert!).

On Wednesday morning, for instance, the media reported that hundreds of government-built homes destroyed in flash floods in Durban at the weekend could not be fixed because the “relevant people” in the municipality were all in Mangaung.

How were the authorities going to deal with the apocalypse when they can’t put a few sheets of corrugated roofing over the heads of a few wet, miserable victims of a hailstorm?

You might ask.

Never mind. All will be explained by the Mangaung Prophecy, including why Cyril Ramaphosa didn’t head for the Lesotho hills with Motlanthe and Manuel, but instead flung himself into the fray to emerge as the party’s surprise new deputy.

The billionaire businessman’s dramatic return to high politics has baffled South Africans, including some of the half-dead journalists who, as we speak, are limping around the Mangaung Waterfront begging their contacts for leaks that could reveal the whereabouts of a decent cappuccino.

What did the wily Buffalo Soldier know that Motlanthe and Manuel didn’t?

My theory is that Cyril, an astute businessman, took a calculated risk that regardless of the fact the Mayans diarised the end of the world 5 000 years ago, the ANC would still be late. And we would all be safe.

Punctuality has never been the ruling party’s strong suit, and with the ANC in charge of the end of the world, we can all breathe out on Friday. If the way they organised timekeeping at Mangaung is anything to go by, it’ll be “Apocalypse just now”.

Now we know why we’re not all going to die on Friday, may I take this opportunity to wish you a Merry Cyril and a happy New National Development Plan.

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