Are u a Belieber? A Lover or a Hater?

2013-05-13 15:24

No doubt about it, love him or hate him, you have to admit that Justin Bieber has charisma.

In Cape Town and Jozi, he’s performed at sell out concerts where screaming tweens and teens catching a glimpse of him have passed out, spoken in tongues, have even wet their broekies with excitement. And wherever I go I hear ‘converted’ adults whispering among themselves, ‘Yes, I’m a Belieber!’ These are the countless moms and dads who stood in line for tickets, who camped out on pavements to ensure a good spot for their offspring in the Golden Circle, who paid through the nose for their besotted darlings to ‘meet and greet’ the Star.

Not only is JB a presence on stage, but he generated a good deal of facebook furore over the concert days as the Lovers and the Haters snapped at each other.

‘What is all this fuss with Justin Bieber?’ I ask my ten-year old son.

He tells me straight: ‘Mom, JB could rule the world. He controls a whole army of girls who’d do anything for him. Have you heard about it? The screeching, the crying, the swooning, the fainting…’

The Haters make no bones about it. As Odysseus, in Greek mythology, ordered his crew to plug their ears with wax (on the advice of Circe) so as not to be lured by the Sirens' song, the Haters made themselves deaf to the boy’s dulcet tones. The Haters wouldn't have been seen dead dragging their flesh and blood to a JB concert lest parent and child raised eyes to the male equivalent of Medusa and were turned to stone.

‘The real reason you Haters are out to insult Justin Bieber,’ chastises Fan A, on facebook, ‘is that his accomplishments frighten you and remind you of how your life didn't work out. Some humans cherish the success of others, some hate and seek to tear it down. For all your bile and venom, your insults towards JB are as inconsequential as a mosquito biting an elephant!’

‘Hey, Haters,’ comments Fan B. ‘I’m a father. I went to the concert. Your youth has faded and your sense of adventure seems to have been frightened off! Justin has balls, looks, and money!’

One Hater takes none of this assault on his sensibilities and hits back: ‘Did someone frape that comment? I can’t beliebe you mean that. You’ve been Bieber-washed! What’s happening to the world?! There’s great music out there, only problem is it’s not that shit that gets played on 5FM, that shit is not good, not good for your mind and body. Stay away from it! Don’t do it!!’

‘Tsk, tsk,’ Fan C joins the fray. ‘Show tolerance, all you crusty old folk. Tolerance and patience. One’s taste in music evolves, and as long as our kids also listen to Zappa, Floyd, Hendrix, some jazz, and some opera, all will be well. Of all the phases the kids can go through, it could be worse. Remember Atomic Kitten?'

The Hater is quick with his retort: ‘Oh stop being so sensible. JB is the Devil and must be driven out!!’

Fan A spreads the news: ‘The concert was Spiritual. It changed the way I see the world. Irrespective of your views on his music, to bear witness to the power that one little boy has over so many people was mind-blowing!!’

One little boy.

Beliebers will inherit the earth!

I’m reminded of the three wise men standing in awe in the meet-and-greet at Baby Jesus’s crib. Now, instead of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, the gifts come to the child in the form of moola from ticket sales and merchandising. (Just like the Church, JB’s raking in millions.)

And while on facebook kids post adulation - ‘Justin’s like so cool, like oh my gosh he’s like so amazing, like I'm so jealous of Selena Gomez, and like I’m totally gonna be a Belieber for like, forever, totally’ - the adults are discussing (tongue in cheek) His message:

Fan B says, ‘The lyrics to "One Love", my personal favourite, have such deep meaning.

When I met you girl my heart went knock knock

Now them butterflies in my stomach won’t stop stop...

OMG!! It’s #realpoetry

‘Yes, I see it now,’ muses Fan C, ‘a heart knocking is a metaphor for his mortality, and the butterflies represent transcendence through suffering…’

The Haters are posting YouTube videos of Level 42, Big Big Train, Mumford and Sons, of musicians who've come up through the ranks with their instruments; they keep posting pics of creepy, bright-eyed ‘Village of the Damned’-type killer-children standing in front of burning homes, with captions like: My neighbours used to listen to Justin Bieber. Now they don’t.

Heh heh. Don't you just luvvit?

At some point sanity must prevail.

I put on a Leonard Cohen CD. He’s my Hallelujah.

My son grimaces: ‘Leonard Cohen? Mom, are you depressed again? LC sings worse than Bob Dylan and what kind of a name is Leonard Cohen anyway? Sounds like an antique dealer. Leonard Cohen Antiques.’

My mouth hangs open in shock!

One man’s Good is another man’s Evil.

Then again, we're free to worship whichever Idol we want.

(Thanks to The Daily Rant, Brennan, Bob, Philip, Dierdre and Francis for choice tidbits).....

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