Hurricane Census hits News24 commentators

2012-10-30 11:55

I don’t know how we got by before the Golden Internet Age gave us Comments.

Certainly, I’d never dreamed there were so many South Africans called @something who hold such a vast array of facts, statistics and historical acumen at their finger clicks.

Where have we been hiding these people?

In the interests of national productivity, I’ve prepared an executive summary of Commentators’ findings showing deep flaws in the official Census 2011.

Census finding: The South African population stands at 51,8 million, almost seven million more than when last counted in 2001:

Commentators’ findings:

- There are more foreigners now

- There are more Nigerians and Zimbabweans in South Africa than the whole population of the Northern Cape

- There are more than one million in the Russian/Israeli mafia

- That’s not counting the Chinese triads

- There are only 25 million real South Africans

- Black people have too many children

- Government-issue condoms have holes in them

- It’s apartheid’s fault

- It’s the ANC’s fault

- It’s Robert Mugabe’s fault

- There are 60 million South Africans, but the census-takers forgot to count 10 million.

Census finding: There are 1,4 million more women than men

Commentators’ findings:

- This is good news for men because they can have more girlfriends

- This is bad news for men because the male population is catching up

- This is only good news for men if the extra 1,4 million are good looking

- This is great news for Jacob Zuma

Census finding: Whites earn six times more than blacks

Commentators’ findings:

- White people work harder

- White people have unfair advantages

- The rest is unprintable on a family website

My findings:

- 38,2% of commentators can’t spell

- This is funny 0,7% of the time, as in “What is the morale of your story?”

- 54% of this cohort swear and can’t spell, as in “You are a dumb arz”

- 59% spends more time commenting than working

- 84% are dissatisfied with their lives

- 98% are dissatisfied with other people’s lives

- It takes an average of three comments and one minute 43 seconds for someone to say “racist”

But the commentators I feel most sorry for are the ones who say they stood up for Census 2011 and weren’t counted.

These include a bar owner in the Lowveld who spotted some census takers in her local shopping mall and even gave them directions to her house; someone called "flyswat" who says there must be at least 151 million South Africans because he/she/it doesn’t know anyone who was counted; and the luckless "caralee.arendse" who comments:

“Last year my household was completely missed by the consensus.”

If there is a grain of truth in any of the above, I think we must agree that "caralee.arendse" just nailed it.

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