New Year's resolutions for Jacob Zuma

2016-12-28 07:29

Jacob Zuma is a very busy man. Very busy. Which is why I have decided to help out. I am hardly his biggest fan but it is that time of year where we extend a hand to our brothers and sisters in the spirit of fellowship. It is of course also the time of year where a few white South Africans, disappointed by the fact that they were unable to find a parking at the beach, take to social media to vent their racial rage. But they need to step aside for now. Because we are cooperating and loving each other. Right here. Right now. Dammit.

They say we shouldn’t judge a person until we have walked in his shoes. This is wise. And whilst I wouldn’t mind stepping into a pair of Zuma’s Pradas, I do feel for a guy who can hardly count all of his wives on one hand. Not that wives are necessarily a bad thing. Not at all. It’s just a numbers problem. The commercially wired might contemplate if one could apply the economies of scale principle in having an “impatience of wives” (I googled “collective noun for wives”), but I suspect that cost benefits are not as attractive as one might hope.

Offspring are also costly, and Jacob is known to have more than a few. In fact, so hefty is this expanse that he has to take off his socks as well as those of a few of his security employees if he wants to use real live toes to add them all up. How he calls them each by their allotted name is truly a wonder for me. But that is coming from a person who often mixes up his German Shepard Daisy with his son Judah. Not that either seem to mind. But the point is made.

I know how busy I am during the holidays. And that is with only one wife (who most of the time) doesn’t want to poison me. And one handful of children who largely desire only to be left alone within a Wifi area along with YouTube and their smartphones. There just isn’t enough time in the day, especially if we intend to use this time of year to regroup, contemplate the year that was, and perhaps jot down a resolution or two for the next.

I happen to be fortunate in that I kept my New Year’s List from last year. And aside from crossing out and adding a higher number to the expanse of weight I need to lose by March (that figure seems to have greater inflation than South Africa does), the list is pretty much the same. And you know what they say, if you can’t get your own house in order, interfere with someone else’s.

So here it is. The Jacob Zuma’s New Year’s Resolutions List, as I imagine they look from inside his shoes looking out;

- Choose my friends more carefully.

- Much more carefully. In fact, make NO new friends.

- Don’t marry anyone else. Ever.

- Or at least until the number of wives stabilizes.

- Keep amount of criminal charges against me under a few hundred.

- Stop doing the DA’s work for them.

- Practice saying numbers out loud.

- Practice saying numbers out loud.

- Don’t laugh in Parliament.

- Don’t threaten anyone in Parliament.

- Practice saying numbers out loud.

- Send a note of thanks to the new Public Protector

- And one to Hlaudi (shame).

- And to Brian Molefe if I can find him.

- And to Shaun Abrahams (have him on speed dial).

- And to the NEC (he he he).

- Apologize to the country.

- Try and mean it. Or at least look like I do.

- Send Pravin Gordhan chocolates.

- Resign. It’s enough already.

- Stop dividing the country on racial lines.

- Resign.

Needless to say, I didn’t include the desire to lose weight or to hit that gym because the man looks to be in pretty good shape. The strength with which he clings to power is almost supernatural and I, along with my gym trainer, can only dream of ever attaining such potency. I also didn’t list being nicer to his wives and to his children because it is very clear that he does something to make them stand by their man (poisonings aside).

And so I would conclude, from the desk of Jacob Zuma, current President of South Africa, a wish to all South Africans, to all races and all genders, young and old, an improved happy, healthy and prosperous 2017 full of rich blessings and lead by a President that we deserve. And not one that we already have.

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