On loving meterosexual fast bowlers

2016-03-19 14:15

Dear ICC,

Please grant our fast bowlers certain concessions during this tournament.

They are such sweet boys. They smile when they get smacked for a four or a six. And not a fake smile either. You know that sincere smile, one that pays tribute to the opposing batsman. The kind of smile that could be used in a toothpaste commercial.

They even enjoy heartily shaking the hands of the opponents, even when these very same maniacs trash them all over the park like a little Ken or Barbie doll in a Rottweiler’s jaw.

Hugs, smiles, pat on the back, smiles, a congratulatory remark longer than one word, and more smiles. This is good for the game. It is good for sponsors. It is also good for our nation. We are such an angry bunch over here. And, they have such a calming influence on me.

When I was growing up, I had to watch R-rated thugs bowling. Tough, gritty and hostile international bowlers like Sylvester Clark, Malcolm Marshall, and Waqar Younis. I was also forced to watch our local breed of tough, gritty and hostile bowlers like Clive Rice, Brian McMillan and Alan Donald. They had such a negative influence on me. These brutes made me very aggressive. All that heartlessness has been terrible for my psyche.

I am thinking about our future generation now and I am glad only two of these nasty brutes, Wahab Riaz and Mitchell Starc, are still left in the sport since Mitchell Johnson retired. And I personally think both Wahab and Mitchell should be banned. They are bad for the game and the clean cut image of the sport.

But our fast bowlers are true gentlemen and were born for the silver screen. I hope the little boys and girls watching all over the world will grow up to be just like them.

So I plead to you, ICC, that when our fast bowlers bowl, the following concessions are granted:

The opposing batsmen should bat without helmets. They have an unfair advantage, playing the hook, lap, sweep and scoop shots with such disdain. Let’s see if these batsmen will use those oversized bats to play these shots without their helmets.

The opposing batsmen should bat without their boots. In fact, they should play barefoot. They have an unfair advantage, playing the yorkers with such ease. Let’s see them hit a yorker knowing there is a chance they could lose their toes.

The opposing batsmen should play without their gloves and other protective body gear. Our bowlers have no protective gear on and are always in the firing line, so I see no reason why the batsman should get such an unfair advantage.

The boundary ropes should be extended by just another tiny 20 metres or so when the opposing batsman bats. We have such great catchers on the boundary but it does not help if the ball keeps going over their heads.

This type of system is used in sports like golf. You know, the handicap system. Not that our boys are handicapped. Don’t get me wrong. This is about fairness. This is about modernising the game, and ridding it of savagery.

If you are willing to meet these concessions, I am even willing to forget about some of the match-fixing that goes on.

By the way, I am sure our government can afford an official off-the-books payment...know what I mean? Keep this on the down low.

Oh, and one tiny, tiny last request. Can the umpire keep a hair brush, comb and gel to help keep our boys’ hair in place?

You know, diving around the boundaries is upsetting their hairdo. And man do they need to look great for the cameras.

Yours sincerely,

The Modern Fast Bowler Fan

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