Pope Francis finally permits women priests

2016-04-01 03:46

Great news! The Pope is finally permitting women priests in the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church announced last night that Pope Francis, under the Doctrine of Papal Infallibility, has annulled one of the Church’s strictest laws. Speaking ex cathedera and also in his official capacity at the Papacy, Pope Francis has declared his infallible words on the matter, which now binds the whole Church and its followers into accepting women priests.

Members of the Vatican Council welcomed the move. Cardinal Colpire Donne De Chauvinisti stated in a press release: “Modern woman all over the world have shown in recent times what it truly means to be a Christian and can be finally accepted as legitimate and excellent role models of the Christian life. The door to ordination for women is finally open”.

The American religious right are outraged by the decision with some heavyweight evangelical pastors calling it an outright sin. Pastor Al Wes Wright Snr angrily exhorted: “This ex-nightclub bouncer, our so-called Pope, has created a spiritual catastrophe”. They have called for his immediate excommunication. However the American Sisters of the Church have welcomed the decision proclaiming their love for Francis.

Meanwhile, people from all over the world have supported the Pope on this matter. A 74 year old Brazilian churchgoing man, Mr Golpear de Esposa has praised the announcement saying that the last time he was this excited was when Pope Pius announced the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary – the teaching that the body of Virgin Mary was taken at the end of her life. Mr de Esposa claims that the Pope’s announcement has forever changed his views about women and has even brought him close to his wife and three daughters. “I see the truth now. Mary is after all the mother of Jesus Christ,” said Mr de Esposa.

Meanwhile outside the Vatican last night, a large crowd was shouting in Unison: “Victory to Women! Victory to the Catholic Church! Victory to Mankind!”

Finally, we have a Pope that is pushing for progressive change. Not since Nelson Mandela has the world seen such an iconic man fight for equality, empowerment, and justice.

The South African Council of Churches was unavailable for comment.

1 April 2016.

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