What kind of sports fan are you?

2013-05-10 09:06

 If you’ve ever been to a live sports game you will have noticed the amount of colour to be found in our stands. Now I am not talking about race, clothing or those sorry folk who happen to drink bizarre flavours of Brutal Fruit but rather about the colourful characters that fill the seats of our South African sports stadia. In my years of attending live games I’ve certainly identified some stadium stereotypes that are just a Computicket click away from your fingertips.

There is always a Dad taking his Son to the game for the first time. It’s a special sight to witness. Dad usually looks longingly at your beer as he contemplates whether to disobey the Drill Sergeant’s orders and have more than two Castles during the game. Son is totally stoked. He can listen to Dad’s calling of the game on the ‘original’ rather than ‘family’ soundtrack for the first time complete with complimentary cursing, blasphemy and crude language. Son is stocking up on stories for school whilst Dad is enjoying the relative peace and quiet of the stadium.

One of the all-time greatest moments I witnessed at Kings Park was from a Dad and Son. Some ‘Lout’ (we’ll get onto them later) threw an empty beer can down the stand. Unfortunately Son and can collided much to Dad’s dislike. Dad calmly reassured Son, got Son to hold his beer, walked three rows back and introduced Lout to sleep. We started a Mexican wave in Dad’s honour.

‘Expert’ is that guy who knows everything. He’s the reason you didn’t buy the match program for the ridiculous R 50 they were asking. He is a free flow of facts and a real life player form guide. How would we cope without him? He knows birthdates, weights, gestation periods, heights and most importantly which school each player went to. It’s kind of like what I imagine sitting next to Andy Capostagno would be like. Expert has a season ticket.

Expert’s wife should not be underestimated. She lives with Expert and thus either by listening closely or perhaps through the process of osmosis has absorbed a fair amount of material. Expert’s wife loves people watching though and annoys Expert no end with remarks about C14’s dress sense.

‘Dunce’ and ‘Expert’ don’t always get along. Dunce thinks he is Expert but in reality only Hansie Cronje could be further from the truth. Dunce is the guy that gets everything wrong. Only some New Zealand referees know less about the offside law than Dunce. He gets a lot of sideways looks from Expert and even from Dad and Son on occasion. Dunce is thicker than Steve Hofmeyr’s skin though. He spews forth a babble of bull for the duration of the game. For some annoying reason Dunce always has a louder voice than Expert.

‘Lout’ enjoys the pre-match festivities more than the game. He’s usually wearing a supporter’s jersey with his nickname on the back and packing more pounds than Sir Richard Branson. Lout is fuelled on cheap liquor which may or may not be injected into some form of fruit. Lout’s reflex action when excited by the on field action is to stand up. Expert doesn’t enjoy this as it blocks his view but doesn’t say anything as Lout is liable to lash out. Lout is usually Dunce’s brother in law.

‘Belter’ is swelteringly hot. She’s usually donning denim shorts that are shorter than Lout’s fuse. Belter claps when she gets excited which is usually during the team captain’s change of jersey. Dad gawks at Belter when Son needs to wee. Son gawks at Belter when Dad is drawn into discussion with Expert’s wife about C14’s dress sense.

And then there’s ‘You’. You could be Dad, Son, Expert, Expert’s wife, Dunce, Lout, Belter, a combination of some or perhaps that rather unusual oddity that doesn’t dress up in the stereotypical South African sports fan suit. See if You can tick off a few of these beauties at your next live sporting event.

Check out my blog at sportbilly.co.za

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