What must Kolisi do to get a game for the Boks?

2013-06-10 08:00

Another Bok game, another omission for the big Stormers number 6.

Siya Kolisi must be wondering what he has to do to get a chance to pull on the green and gold. He’s been called up the Bok side a number of times, but he’s never made it onto the park.

Surely this must mean his performance on the pitch is not enough. It’s time to work wonders off it.

So, what must he do? Heyneke said the best players will play, yet Siya always keeps being overlooked, which must mean he is unable to see him. He probably only watches Bulls games on weekends.

So, I have come up with a list of things Siya Kolisi has to do to get a Springbok game.

1. Get vitiligo like Michael Jackson or bleach his skin like Mshoza.

2. Change his surname to something coach Meyer can easily pronounce at press conferences. Something that rolls off easy on the tongue like Burger, Botha, Louw or Spies.

3. He might also consider changing his first name because “Siya” is quite a mouthful, especially when one shouts angrily at the walkie talkie from the box upstairs. Preferably become “Jaco” or “Wickus”.

4. Tell everyone he went to Grey College, not Grey High School. Look what that did for Luke Watson’s career. Besides, if one looks at how many Grey Bloem boys have become Boks compared to Grey HS, it makes sense.

5 . He needs to start referring to the coach as “Oom”. I think that’s what’s giving players like Arno Botha and F-Lo an advantage over him.

6. Learn to speak proper Afrikaans, not PE-Afrikaans. Because PE-Afrikaans sounds like English. “Drie” may soung like “three” and “ses” may sound like “six”. But, it gets confusing at some point. Like, “drie-en-tagtig” is not “thirty-eight”.

7 . Get a weave (or a wig depending on what floats your boat) and dye it blond. With his bleached skin, new name and surname and flowing locks, he’ll look the part. Cue Hugh Bladen: “And Wickus Louw is doing impressive things with the ball. You can’t miss him because of his flowing locks. Another talent from that conveyor belt of South African rugby that is Grey College.”

8. Move to Pretoria and play for the Bulls. We all know Heyneke doesn’t like Province (or the Sharks for that matter). So he’ll be good on the other side of the boerewors curtain.

9. Gain a few extra kilos… because a giant with pale skin, blonde hair and shouting profanities in fluent New Brighton-Xhosa would frighten the bejezus out of anyone, including KZN Jesus.

10. He needs to date a model… preferably one that looks like Kim Kardashian or Kerry McGregor. Because the hotter your chick, chances are you will be selected. The coach only has sons, so that’s a no go… unless he bats for the other team, and that’s also okay.

On a more serious note, one must wonder if Kolisi will ever get a chance to properly prove himself in the Meyer era. He’s not a bad coach, but he’s being a bit of a tool… or a spanner short of a full tool box.

I’m against quota selections, but I feel all players who perform should be afforded an equal opportunity, something that has not happened under during the Meyer era. I’ve been a passionate Bok supporter since before the 1995 World Cup, and never have is it been so hard to support a Bok team. I’ll always support them, but if there’s a United game on TV, sorry, but my blood is red.

Follow @KingBiyela on Twitter.

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