Yes, I can't speak English. So what?

2014-11-02 09:04

Growing up in the dusty rural areas of Limpopo, I was made to believe that the level of one's intelligence is measured by one's good command of English. To me, and many other fellow herd boys, your fluency in the Queen's language proved, beyond reasonable doubt, that you were certainly a genius, and were most certainly better than the rest of us who could not even construct a simple English sentence without suddenly turning into stammerers.

Knowing English language was not only about constructing a sentence, but also speaking in some accent that, to me now, sounds like that of my patients who suffer from chronic sinusitis (flu).

This kind of a curse is not the thing of the past, nor was it only endemic to my neighborhood, it is a form of torture that dissects across the globe... Well, only for black folks. It never applies to Germans, French, Polish, Italians, Spanish or any other non-black accents.

Take for instance, the soccer stars and musicians... The likes of Mandoza, Mulomowandau Mathoho, the late Brenda Fassie... They are being ridiculed for speaking their own versions of English. Even the politicians are not immune from this double-edged sword. President Zuma is a typical example. However, Paul Doleza's English was, instead, "fun".

I must say, during my many years in the academic fraternity, I tried all I could to learn as much of English language as possible. My only "sporting activities" were Scrabble, debate and drama... All in pursuit of mastering the tongue of the Queen. However, I still can't be fluent in this goddamn language!


English is the funniest and craziest language I've ever come across. There's no such a thing called "Principles of English Language". I've been going through some English words and vocabulary, and realized that it is only fair not to even bother trying to master this language at all.

Let's look at these words:

We all know that a ring is circular in shape. Weird though, a boxing RING is square.

As much as I love my hotdog, I don't eat DOG.

Pineapple has absolutely nothing to do with pine tree nor apples.

Guinea pig is neither a pig nor does it come from Guinea.

If the teacher "taught", why can't we have the preacher who "praught"?

One can produce the produce, while the other is building the building.

Why can't we have fishES, sheepS, foots, bloods, waters, mouses, mooses, etc?

Where else on a sentence can I use the word "vitae", except on curriculum vitae?

RSA currency is Rand. Why can't we have RandS?

I'm now convinced that this lingo is one crazy language, and my black folks should never feel ashamed of not mastering it. Just enough to get you by is fine. It does not matter no more to me.

If I've misspelled any word, or some sentences don't make sense to you, don't worry. Just get over it! It was intended as such. Thanks, but no thanks!

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AB praises selfless skipper

2010-11-21 18:15

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