You said what?

2014-02-06 20:01

SOME OF MY FAVOURITE SAYINGS:

• “You can’t screw a relationship together!”

Is a reminder that sex therapy is likely to fail if there are serious and unresolved non-sexual relationship issues.

• Sexuality should not be ignored in conducting relationship counselling, for:

“When sex is good it might make up 10% of a relationship, but when it is bad it can make up 90%!”

• “It is easier to do sex than it is to talk about it!”

I don’t know who said it first, but there are certainly couples who can “do” sex well. However, when problems in their sex life develop, they are totally unable to talk about it!

• “Sex is perfectly natural - it’s just not naturally perfect!” Profound!!

• “To be a good boy scout, you must put the fire out before leaving camp!”

I am quoting myself on this one, having said it to a man who always left the bed without satisfying his wife.

• “Men give love for sex and women give sex for love!”

I use this old popular saying to highlight those relationships were the man describes the problem as sexual and the woman claims it is emotional.

• “A woman gives sex so a man will talk to her, and a man talks to a woman so she’ll give him sex!”

Similar to the saying above, but thankfully not a true stereotype of all women and men! However, it does at times fit.

• “One partner’s dysfunction is the other partner’s distress!” A quote from Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson I use often to explain why sex therapy works best when both partners are involved in the conjoint process.

• “It is easier to act your way into a feeling than to feel your way into an action.”

This is descriptive of the traditional behavioural / cognitive approach in sex therapy and I use it to “justify” the assignment of homework.

• “Give a man a fish and he eats today. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat forever!”

An old Chinese proverb I use to emphasize that sex therapy may initially impose restrictions, but in the interest of teaching a process that will be good forever.

• “In North America, if you find hoof prints in the sand, look for a horse....not a zebra!”

Says to me that at times the simplest theory is the most useful in beginning to understand a presenting problem.

• Dr. Mary Calderone, internationally known for her dedication to women’s sexual health and sexuality education, was often heard to describe the mixed messages a young girl receives when lectured, “Don’t touch yourself down there, it’s dirty...save it for the one you love!”

• A female patient reported to me that her mother had actually said to her, “If you’re going to do it, at least have the decency not to enjoy it!” I quote the woman often when talking of early sex negative messages.

Prof Elna McIntosh is a clinical Sexologist in private practice in Sandton assisting couples with sexual and non sexual issues.

www.safersex.co.za

@drelna

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