Publications
I WENT ON HOLIDAY AND FELL IN LOVE
I recently had the privilege of going on a safari trip to Kenya. It was a trip I’d booked last year which fell through due to the pandemic and was postponed to this year.
When I booked it my wife said she wasn’t interested in going along as she’s not into the outdoors.
On the safari I met a single woman two years younger than me (I’m 35) and we clicked immediately.
It’s as if I’ve met my soulmate. We love the same things and really enjoyed the safari together.
She’s not only beautiful but an amazing person with kindness in her heart, not only for animals but also for people.
My wife on the other hand is a cold person who doesn’t socialise easily and doesn’t like animals.
I think I’m in love with this new person in my life and feel I can’t stay with my wife as our marriage leaves me feeling depressed and lonely.
This new woman makes me feel alive and that life is worth living. But how do I tell my wife this? I’m normally a level-headed guy and have never cheated on my wife in the 10 years we’ve been married.
Luckily we don’t have kids as my wife is a career woman and told me she doesn’t have time for children.
Ashley, email
Dr Louise advice
You and your wife seem to have little in common. However, you need to be careful about coming to the conclusion that you’re in love with this woman just because of your time together on a trip.
Being on safari in Kenya is enticing and sets the stage for a beautiful romance – but it is far removed from reality.
Don’t leave your wife because of this new woman. You need to think about your relationship with your wife in isolation.
The question is, do you really want to keep living with someone with whom you have so little in common?
Do you want to stay in a marriage which leaves you feeling depressed and lonely?
If the answer is no, talk to your wife about it and tell her you want a divorce because you’ve realised the two of you are incompatible.
It shouldn’t be about leaving your wife for the new woman – it should be about ending your marriage because you’re not suited to each other.
Don’t get romantically involved with the other woman until you’ve left your wife and filed for divorce.
Besides this being only fair towards your wife, it also means you’re not putting undue pressure on a new romance.
I’VE LOST A GOOD MAN
I’ve messed up my life and don’t know how to move on from here. I had a wonderful husband but for some reason kept having affairs, until he eventually divorced me.
We didn’t have kids. I only now realise what a good husband and provider he was.
He worked hard but made time for me and always put me first. I thought he was dull and I hooked up with bad guys who were into drugs and drinking and partying.
I thought that was what I wanted out of life. Now that I’m alone I realise how precious a home and a caring husband are and that those bad boys are only there for the fun but have no substance to them.
I now live in a bachelor apartment – it’s all I can afford – and can’t even buy decent clothes or go out. What should I do?
Theresa, email
Dr Louise advice
It seems you hit the jackpot and then lost it again. That’s okay – we all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from our mistakes and not keep repeating them over and over again.
The first thing you should focus on up skilling yourself so you can earn more. You need to start depending on yourself rather than wanting someone else to look after you.
Although this might be difficult at first, it will be rewarding in the end. The second thing you should do is consult a psychologist so you can work through your destructive tendencies and figure out why you’re attracted to men who don’t really have much to offer.
This will help prevent you from doing it again in future. The third thing you should do is figure out who you really are and what you want out of life.
A psychologist can help you with that as well.
I’M SHUT OFF AND IT’S KILLING ME
I’m so scared of leaving my house and contracting Covid that I’ve barricaded myself in my home and refuse to have contact with anyone.
I’m a pensioner but am healthy and have no health concerns. I order in all my food and clean my own home.
I even got rid of my pets as I was afraid they might somehow get the virus and pass it on to me.
But now I feel as if I’m living in a bubble and simply watching life go by. I used to be very social and visit my friends.
Now they all think I’ve gone bananas. I’m so lonely I’m becoming depressed and have started feeling life is not worth it.
What should I do?
Maggie, email
Dr Louise advice
Although the virus is a real threat, it’s also true that many people have survived getting it and have recovered.
As a pensioner, you’re in the fortunate position of being able to get the vaccine now – and then your chances of getting really sick from the virus would be minimised.
So, the first step you should take is to get vaccinated. In the meantime use WhatsApp to stay in touch with friends, and once you are vaccinated get out a bit again.
Meet a friend for coffee at an outdoor venue, still wearing your mask and sanitising to be as safe as possible.
Consider getting a pet again too, to help you feel less lonely. Available information shows the risk of animals spreading the virus to people is low.
