‘My unfaithful ex wants me back’ – Dr Louise answers your burning questions

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I met this wonderful guy six months ago and we want to get married. I’m at university and told my parents I want to discontinue my studies and rather be a wife and mother.

I’m 20 and old enough to make my own decisions. Before I met my boyfriend, I thought I wanted to be a medical practitioner and was lucky enough to get accepted to the course.

I’m in my second year and have realised I can’t have a relationship and put in the study and work hours that are required to qualify.

My parents don’t understand this and told me I should complete my studies. The thing is my boyfriend is a very attractive man with a good job.

He says if I’m not willing to marry him now he will end our relationship and find someone who can have fun with him.

It’s always been my dream to help and heal people but I don’t want to lose the love of my life.

Diane, email

Dr Louise advice

Your boyfriend seems quite narcissistic and it appears he’s only thinking about his needs and negating yours altogether. He wants you to give up your dreams for him, which is selfish.

You parents are right to expect you to complete your studies. It hasn’t only taken effort from you to get to where you are, but from your parents as well.

So it’s completely understandable that they’d want to see you fulfil your dreams. The fact you know that helping and healing people is what you want to do is wonderful, and you should follow your dream.

Building your career isn’t something to take lightly – it’s not only about bringing you fulfilment and a sense of purpose in life, it will also give you financial independence.

It would be unwise to forsake your studies. None of us knows what the future holds, and one of the best safeguards against uncertainty or any calamity you might face is to make sure you have an education and the ability to support yourself.

If your boyfriend really loves you, he would be willing to not only wait for you to finish your studies but also be supportive of you while you work hard to get your degree.

You are more fortunate than most young people. There are many who have dreams they can’t pursue because they don’t have the money or education to do so. Don’t waste this opportunity.


My husband and I divorced three years ago. He was having an affair with his secretary and I was devastated.

I asked him to reconsider and make sure what he was feeling was real as he was going through a difficult patch with his business too.

Two years after our divorce I started dating again. I met a wonderful man and we’ve been dating for a year, and the relationship is very good and fairly solid.

My ex didn’t marry his secretary. He’s now back on his feet in terms of his business and is doing well, except that he wants me back. We didn’t have children.

The problem is how do I trust him again?

Also, I’m in love with my partner and angry with my ex for trying to cause problems in my life. What do I do?

Monica, email

Dr Louise advice

It seems your ex has arrived at the station too late to catch the train. The issues that caused him to have the affair are likely to have been more complex than him having problems with his business.

So contemplating starting up a relationship with him again may also be much more complex than you think. It’s unlikely to be just a matter of taking up where you left off.

If you are in love with your boyfriend and you are happy, it would be wise to rather look to the future and focus on this relationship instead of going back to a relationship with someone who was unfaithful to you and where there are issues to sort out.

It’s your choice whether you want to take on those issues, but if you’re happy now why would you do so?

It’s your ex-husband’s loss that he didn’t appreciate what he had when it was his.


Throughout my high school years I thought I was gay. No girl really excited me – it was the guys I found attractive. I had one gay relationship at the time.

I’m now in my fourth year at university and there’s a girl in my class with whom I’ve become friends. As our friendship has grown I’ve realised I’m also sexually attracted to her.

We slept together and it was hea­ven. I want more of the same thing with her. I never thought I’d find sex with a woman so stimulating and satisfying.

But what do I do now because I also find men sexually attractive? Am I a messed-up person?

Brian, email

Dr Louise advice

Human sexuality is incredibly complex and many people are bisexual rather than gay or heterosexual. Although it’s confusing, it’s important that you are honest with your girlfriend and that she knows you also find men sexually attractive.

Having sexual interaction with both genders can make it difficult to have a deeply intimate relationship. Some bisexual people choose to get married as they want kids and a “normal” family but then secretly have affairs with people of the same gender.

And some deny their bisexuality and later resent their partner. It is a complex issue with no easy solution. Consider consulting a psychologist so you can work through your feelings on this and how it will affect different aspects of your life.

‘When two people decide to get divorced, it’s not a sign they don’t understand one another, but a sign they have, at least, begun to’ HELEN ROWLAND, AMERICAN WRITER

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