‘Should I tell my hubby I cheated on him?’ – Dr Louise answers your burning questions

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I cheated on my husband for a year with his best friend. They’re a lot alike so when I met my husband’s best friend I was attracted to him.

Despite being attracted to his friend we got married and life went on, then his best friend got divorced.

During this time he often talked to me about his feelings and what he was going through and we ended up talking about our mutual attraction for each other.

We eventually ended up in bed. The affair lasted for a year, until we both felt so guilty that we decided to break it off. He is now engaged to someone else.

I’ve tried to work on my relationship with my husband, but there are still days when I miss my ex-lover very much. I’ve actually realised I love them both equally.

I’m considering telling my husband about the affair, but I know if I confess it will mean the end of their friendship.

I also want to give my husband’s best friend a chance at happiness, but if I confess about the affair it’s also likely to be the end of his engagement.

What should I do?

Marina, email

Dr Louise advice

You need to be really honest with yourself. Is it possible that this is not only about you cheating on your husband, but rather a bit more complex?

Perhaps you are in fact jealous of your ex-lover’s fiancée and are looking for a way to ruin that relationship? You know that if your affair becomes common know­ledge the engagement will most likely be in jeopardy.

Did the affair perhaps overlap the start of your ex-lover’s relationship with this woman? You also need to consider that your husband may not be willing to continue with your marriage if he knows you cheated on him with his best friend.

For him it might be even more of a betrayal than cheating on him with a stranger. It will be better for you to keep this secret and to really start working on your relationship with your husband.

It would also be best to get some distance between you and your ex-lover and his fiancée, so avoid socialising with them as much as you can.


I’m in my early 20’s and last year I fell in love for the first time. I thought she was wonderful and that our relationship was destined to last forever.

She’s in matric this year and I’m at university. She was friends with this guy from her class, and I didn’t think much of it, but then unbeknown to me they started having a relationship.

The result was that she simply sent me a WhatsApp message saying she’s fallen in love with this guy at school and is breaking up with me.

The worst thing is she didn’t even give me an opportunity to talk about it. I know her family well, and it hurts me to know he is now going on their December holiday with them – it seems he’s just replaced me quite effortlessly.

I feel as if something is wrong with me – like I’m not good enough for her. I need to focus on my studies but I find myself crying and feeling miserable and not being able to eat or sleep.

What can I do?

Brendon, email

Dr Louise advice

It’s extremely difficult to go through one’s first disappointment in love as it feels as if the sadness and despair will never end, but don’t worry – it will.

This is unfortunately part of the path to adulthood. Someone who will end a relationship with a message on WhatsApp is not very empathic so maybe she’s not as wonderful as you thought.

Consider consulting with a psychologist so you can talk about your feelings and work through the disappointment.

This is important for the healing process. A doctor could also prescribe a light antidepressant. Remember the break up does not mean you have a problem.


Both my husband and I work from home. I have a very demanding job and have to work long hours to get everything done.

My husband has a less demanding job and can afford to work only in the mornings and still get all his stuff done. He decided he wanted to have sex sessions with me in the afternoon and was very persuasive about it.

The problem is that at the end of our sessions I don’t feel like going back to work! How do I solve this problem? Our relationship is better than ever and I don’t want to spoil that.

But it’s having a  negative effect on my work.

Karen, email

Dr Louise advice

It seems, with your afternoon sessions, your husband is giving himself a reward for getting all his work done in the mornings!

It’s totally understandable that you don’t feel like working after an afternoon of lovemaking – that would not put one in the mood for work. 

If you want to continue to have these afternoon sessions you’ll have to change your work schedule.

Rather start earlier in the mornings so that you can stop working at around 3pm and then you can join your husband and not worry about work afterwards.

This may mean moving the session a little later, but I’m sure your husband will be agreeable if it’s going to make it possible for both of you to relax and enjoy your time together.

‘Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late’– Benjamin Franklin

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