It can’t be easy watching your heartbreak play out on television.
During a recent episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, viewers got an inside look at how Kim Kardashian's divorce from Kanye West unfolded behind the scenes.
During the episode – part one of the series finale – the reality star also hinted at the factors that contributed to the breakdown of their marriage.
In February Kim filed for divorce from the 44-year-old rapper, with whom she has kids North (7) Saint (5), Chicago (3) and two-year-old Psalm.
Kanye moved from California to a ranch in Wyoming and Kim told her sisters she “can’t do this anymore”.
“Why am I still in this, like, place where I’m stuck for years? Like, he goes and moves to a different state every year. I have to be together so I can raise the kids, you know? And he’s an amazing dad, he’s done an amazing job. “[Kanye] deserves someone that can go support his every move and go follow him all over the place and move to Wyoming. I can’t do that.”
Kim admitted she feels like a "failure" and a "loser" because this is her third marriage collapse.
“I feel like a f****** failure, that it’s like, a third f****** marriage. I feel like a f****** loser. But I can’t even think about that like, I want to be happy.”
The 40-year-old reality TV star was married to music producer Damon Thomas between 2000 and 2004, and basketball player Kris Humphries from 2011 to 2013.
Insiders say that for Kim, watching the show more than three months after she filed for divorce is like reliving the emotional split all over again.
"With the KUWTK finale and dramatic episode airing, it's a lot for her to take in when she's reminded of it," a well-placed source says.
Kim gets upset whenever the divorce is brought up and feels it’s best if she and Kanye don’t communicate at this stage.
However, that doesn't mean the musician hasn't had contact with their four kids.
Kanye has been in Los Angeles, where the kids are based, only a handful of times this year and their nannies mostly coordinate the kids to FaceTime and call their dad.
"It's been hard," the insider says. "He's really focused on creating music in Wyoming and his fashion line, and [he] has been travelling a lot. The kids are accustomed to the situation and are very much settled with Kim in LA."
Kim is nowhere near dating again, the source says.
"She would like to find someone down-to-earth and normal. That hasn't happened yet. She's not in a rush and is happy being single. Eventually she would like to find someone again, but it has to be the right person."
Her priority for now is the kids, who have often featured on her Instagram account – and she’s been posting more pics of her brood than ever.
Since February, she’s shared no fewer than 30 photos of her kids on Instagram, a noticeable increase since splitting from Kanye, who preferred they remain off social media.
Though she has moved on from the relationship and is doing well in general, "it’s sad for her at times to think about the kids having to deal with their parents being split”, the source says.
"She has her ups and downs, especially when she thinks back to happy times with Kanye.”
Those times may well have been on her mind when she recently shared a gorgeous throwback pic of her with all four of her children.
Eagle-eyed fans were quick to notice it was taken on the day Kim renewed her vows to Kanye around their fifth wedding anniversary in 2019.
At the time, the news of their vow renewal was kept private but a portion of the day was shown on KUWTK.During the episode, Kim revealed the ceremony was to be held in their backyard, with many of their original wedding guests in attendance.
"I just want to plan something special and take charge of this," she said during a confessional. "So, I thought let's just do something fun and sweet in our backyard and just make more of a memory. Five years and infinity to go."
SOURCES: EONLINE.COM, ETONLINE.COM, PEOPLE.COM, USMAGAZINE.COM, BUZZFEEDNEWS.COM, LATIMES.COM